Twitter: Dark in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I know the world is burning. I can smell it in the air. But my Orange Lantern tendencies are coming to the surface. What I want? Four things.
(1) I want a therapist to help me with my compulsive obsession with my past. I don’t like being so filled with regret that I desperately want to go back in time to fix things. I can’t help it. Telling me to stop is like telling an OCD Hoarder to just “get better” without help. But money, time, insurance… those things just aren’t present enough for it.
(2) I want a personal trainer to help me lose the 70 pounds I need to lose. No matter what happens to me in my life… I just… when I was a child, I dreaded the thought that I would one day look like my father. I was a short extremely skinny kid. And despite everyone telling me I needed to add weight… I was happy my metabolism worked the way it did! Then… I started taking my pills for the fibromyalgia. The pills that gave me glaucoma. The pills that (I’m convinced) helped to turn me from a 5‘7 boy of 128 lbs to a 5‘7 boy of 220 lbs. I don’t want to be fat. But most importantly… I don’t want to be disgusting to look at anymore.
(3) Which leads me to… I want a partner that wants me. I mean… damn. Even though I’m not “fine” anymore… it does kind of bother me that Wife is so super chill with sex “once a month or so… maybe once every few months, (she) just doesn’t think about it that much.” I mean… I get that my wife is in a dark place.... so am I. But honestly. It is fucked up. When we met… she actually told me how upset she was that her boyfriend had no libido. Like… he preferred porn to being with her. I told her how fucking insane that was. She was (and is) remarkably sexually attractive. If she was willing to have sex, and her boyfriend said no in order to watch porn that is the most fucked up thing I can imagine. When she left him and started dating me, though, I told her I didn’t want to have sex until I was (at least) mostly certain that we could be a long-term relationship. I mean, I was 21… still a virgin… I had been saving myself for marriage but… other than the girl that tried to stab me in the face… I’d never really had a relationship that lasted more than a few months. SO… yes. I bailed. I abandoned my abstinence ‘til marriage. But I still told the woman that I wanted to wait until we’d been together “longer than I’d been with anyone else.” And she waited. And ever since then… sex has been… an issue. Like.... making her wait made her realize “fuck sex with this guy.” Granted.... I’m still the ass for marrying her but… there are a lot of things that went into that “decision.”
(4) I want an insane amount of money.... like Bruce Wayne amount. And I know that everybody wants lots of money.... and everybody says they’d be altruistic with it. But I am fucking serious as a heart attack here. The needs out here? If I suddenly got Bruce Wayne Billions I’ll tell you the first things I’d do. (First) buy a house where I could live… instead of this tiny apartment. (Second) Establish a scholarship fund for Students with Chronic Pain… it is a hard life, and I want them to get an education. (Third) I would build, fund, and be on the board for The Kane-Finger Mental Wellness Center because we are in such desperate need of mental health assistance in this state. (Fourth) I would build, fund, and be on the board for The Great Plains Film Institute… an organization promoting films and film makers that realize there is more of the US than the coasts. And… seriously… so many ideas on what to do with Bruce Wayne Money. Which is the bullshit, kick in the nuts, tragedy of the world. Right now on this planet there are over 100 people (PEOPLE, not corporations, PEOPLE) worth Bruce Wayne Money.... and only a small handful actually fucking give back. In some ways, for some people, I have to side with my late Paternal Grandmother… for some, the suffering is so great, that I cannot accept a God that would condemn them to hell simply for “selecting the wrong faith” after such torment. On the other hand though.... I seriously see the value of Matthew 19:24.

This world.

Is fucking.

Broken.