Invisible in My Fucking Feelings

Why is it that I feel the lack of you today so strongly? Perhaps it is the show that I will be missing tomorrow. I should have found something else to do to take my mind off of it. I know it is going to hurt my heart to see pictures of the show I missed. Even more painful to know that you will probably think you forced me not to come. It is not true. I know I am unwanted there but there is something else keeping me away this time. Not you.

I got up this morning. The sun rose on another day just as it always does. I went to class. I got accepted into the CNA program. I should celebrate. I even got a working vacuum and got some cleaning done for once. I’m back on league of legends and kicking ass. Yet, it all feels so lackluster. It is missing something important: a friend. One who understands me. One whose company I enjoy.

I know I should not complain about what I’ve been given. After all, I’ve been given a lot compared to some. But yet I can’t help missing that feeling. I’m not sure how to describe it. It’s that happy connected feeling of companionship. When you feel wanted by people you adore. I have friends who cherish me. I have some of the best I could hope for. But still there’s a voice in the back of my mind saying that they will betray me. That they misunderstand me on some important fundamental level.

And, it may be mean to say so, but a few of them even seem more burdensome than helpful. Maybe I will look back in five or ten years and appreciate them, but right now it seems like they are more trouble than they are worth. I know I can’t cut them loose though. Friends are friends all the time, not just when it’s convenient. But sometimes spending time with them feels like an obligation.

Still have no idea if that boy really likes me or not. Or how I would even tell. I hold on to hope though, because I like him a lot. Having only met him once I can already see he’s my type of person, and those are pretty rare. It’s weird how my fondest connections lately are to people I don’t even know. Started an account on Sarahah.com and have been having fun sending absolutely everyone compliments. They have no idea that they are from me. I’m a little sad that nobody has left me anything at all. I guess that’s just how my life is sometimes: I’m invisible. Unnoticed, not worthy of note. I don’t want attention exactly, just want to know I exist in other people’s lives. One silly message can make me feel so happy regardless of what it says. It’s just good to be noticed.