to the tune of GIRL FROM THE NORTH COUNTRY in song parodies

if you’re shopping at Vermont Country Store
from cat-a-logue or… just online
don’t linger too long on night gowns for…
that’s the weirdest boner of mine

if you go to buy maple cream
or some nostalgic candies, that’s fine
please leave me my middle-aged dream
that MILF-y model a little plus-sized

please still feel free to browse kitchenware
those special tongs for raw chicken breast
please just let me admire her sarong
the way it lightly clings to her chest

in truth I know that we’ll never be entwined
on those thousand-thread-count sheets
as you buy your cucumbers brined
as you buy your smoke-preserved meats

so, if you’re shopping at Vermont Country Store
from cat-a-logue or… just online
don’t linger too long on night gowns for…
that’s the weirdest boner of mine