Feelings Lie in My Fucking Feelings

My feelings are lieing to me again.
They are telling me nobody will ever understand me.
That I’ll be alone forever.
That it will never get better.
Because I’m a freak.

There are alot of us though.
There’s alot of freaks.
Maybe nobody really understands anyone.
Maybe when I look and see happy people making connections with one another it’s just a lie.
Or a clever facade.
Maybe it’s all temporary.
Life is just a series of moments right?

I know the truth.
The truth is that I’ve had alot of good moments.
There are many more to come.
The truth is I’m just sad right now because I’m craving the wrong moments.
I’m wanting to have back the good ones.
The ones that slipped right by while I wasn’t paying attention.
The ones that happen in my head but will never be real.

I try to look around.
To live in the present.
So I don’t miss anymore moments.
The truth is some moments you only treasure once they are gone.
I’d do anything to get some of those moments back and make better memories with them.
But that’s simply not possible.

I should take more pictures.
To remember the moments by.
I should pay attention.
To the people that care.
But in this moment…

I feel alone.
With a friend all day but still feeling alone.
Not understood.
Not connected.
And yet.
I find myself dreading company.
Socializing has become just another chore I don’t want to do.

Wish I was going to the show this weekend.
But I know better.
I am unwanted.
Why should I waste my time on those who don’t appreciate it.
Selfish of me.
Foolish.
I try to focus.
It’s just a difficult day.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.

But today…
I’m alone.
It’s quiet.
I’m stuck in old lost moments.

At least I was morr productive than usual today. Progress.
Fight.
Goals.
Get.
Fight.
Pray.
Love without regret.

Sometimes it just feels so cold.
And I feel forgotten.
Irrelevant.
But I know it’s not true.
God has a plan for me too.
I just wish I knew what it was.

God, if it’s not too much to ask, send me some encouragment to push me through this?