Tuesday Morning Part 2 in New Diary

I’ve been sitting in front of the computer since I woke up. I feel really bad this morning. I feel so depressed. I can’t seem to get motivated. Anxiety is a bit high. I have to leave my apartment I have a therapy appointment this afternoon. I do not want to go. I know what he is going to ask me. He is going to ask me if I have been getting out of my apartment. I will tell him no. He will ask me what I’ve been doing all day. I will tell him I read and play computer games. He will get on me for staying in my apartment all the time. I will tell him I do not want to leave my frigging apartment. I think we go through this routine with each session.

I refuse to leave my apartment unless it is grocery shopping or appointments. I do not see the point. I am convinced people hate me. Nobody speaks to me when I speak to them. I swear I get dirty looks from people on rare occasions when I do go out. I really have a hard time facing all this hostility. Going out and being around people makes me very anxious. Sometimes it gets so bad I can’t wait to be inside. Being around people is not a good idea for me. I would much rather stay home and be alone.

That is just how I am. I am a loner. I keep telling people I have always had a hard time making friends. I never had too many friends in high school. I had a terrible time in High School. I had a hard time getting along with my family. When I was married my in laws hated me. I worked at this one place for ten years and I tried to make friends. All they did was make fun of me pull dirty tricks on me and generally gave me a hard time. It seemed like everywhere I went to people gave me a hard time. I finial got to the point where I said I don’t give a shit anymore. Mixing with people has never been my strong point. I have learned to accept that.

They seem to think that isolation is not good for me. They tell me I need to get out of my apartment and get some fresh air. They tell me one reason why I am depressed is I have no friend. I disagree. I have always had depression,. I could be surrounded by people and still feel lonely and depressed. I could have a million friends and I would still be depressed. This is something that has been with me all my life and is not going to change no matter what I do. It is part of who I am.

I was thinking this morning why the hell should I have to change to please others? I should have the right to live my life the way I see fit. Am I hurting anyone? Am I a danger to myself? Am I doing anything illegal or getting involved in risky behavior.? I am doing none of these things. I just want to live my life and get through the day. I keep saying to myself all I want is peace and all I want to do is listen to my music and read my books. At 66 years old I think I am damned well old enough to live the way I want to live Why is that hard for people to understand that I just want to be left alone

Well I just got a call from my case manager. My therapist reported off today. I do not have to go out today. This is good news. I just wasn’t up to it today.

Last updated August 01, 2017