Saturday. in Since OD is shutting down....

Today hasn’t been too bad. My Dad came this morning to see the baby and he took out my garbage, emptied the cat litter box and visited. They all came back later and my Dad and I went and got some food. I really couldn’t afford to buy them much but they didn’t have anything and my Mom starts working on Monday and promised to give me some money when she gets paid.

My Dad is going to watch baby when I go back to work. They promised to stop smoking in the house and I’m going to give them my shampooer so they can do their carpets. I’m willing to give it a chance because I really don’t want my baby in a daycare because almost all of them here are overcrowded because most of the providers aren’t registered and I just worry about her not getting the attention and care that she will being at my parents house. I know I’m going to have anxiety no matter who is watching her but I have way more trust for my family than someone I don’t hardly know that runs a daycare.

I talked to my bestie and she told me that once he does the DNA test and it’s proven he’s her Dad that if he were to find out what daycare she’s at, he could try and take her. She said it’s because there’s no custody agreement in place and that means I’d fight like hell getting her back. I don’t think he would because he doesn’t have a car and has no way to take care of her but I could see him doing it just to hurt me. I would rather not risk this happening and it’s another reason why I’d just rather have her being looked after by my parents.

It just really sucks that he’s so fucked up because things wouldn’t have to be this way. I never wanted to keep him away and that’s why I let him be there when she was born but he’s just continued to prove his crazy and I’m terrified of what he’s capable of. I really wish he would have gotten counseling and maybe now he’d be a little more normal and easy to reason with but he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with him so that’s more than likely never going to happen.

Anyways, so after my family left baby and I laid down and took a nap. It was really nice. I love sleep. She’s actually been sleeping a little longer at night so I’m getting at least 4 hours at a time before she wakes up and I’m just hoping this continues. I don’t think it’ll be too long before she sleeps through the night. I can’t believe she’s already close to a month old. I just love her and being a Mom is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. It comes with a lot of extra worry and stress but at the end of the day, it’s completely worth it. That little girl is my whole world and I’m going to do everything I can to give her plenty of love and make sure she has everything she needs.

I’m thinking of going back to work a little bit early since my Dad is going to be watching her. Being at home is becoming kinda lonely and mundane. I love being home with her but I really miss adult interaction. I give props to Mom’s that stay home with their children but it’s definitely not for me. I’ve enjoyed my break from my job but I would never want to stay home permanently. I wish that my family would be around more. I think my Mom will be once she gets back to work because then she can come to town early sometimes but for now, I definitely wish I had more social interaction.

Not sure if it’s the loneliness or what but I do miss my daughter’s Dad and wish that he was around. I would love to message him but I don’t because all he would do is want to argue. It really bothers me that we are back to this point and it’s probably going to stay that way. I miss how sweet he could be but those moments never lasted long. I wish that we could be together and my daughter could have her Dad. I really do hope that someday we can reach a good place, at least for her sake but I know it’s probably never going to happen. He’s mentioned moving out of state again and I honestly hope that he does because he’s too selfish to be a Dad anyway.

Goodnight.