Let it Go, Let it Go... in All of Me

Why is it that I can’t talk about things without getting upset? I am in such a foul mood because two of my coworkers were talking about the best sex they’ve ever had and sex in public places. My mind went to Jay. The last conversation we had with each other was him telling me I am too crazy for anyone to love me. This is, of course, my worst fear. We were not fighting during this conversation. I asked for feedback on why men don’t want relationships with me- only sex. He said,” because you’re hot, but you’re crazy on a different level than people talk about their significant others on.” I was all, ” well, what makes me so crazy that I don’t deserve to be loved?” He said, ” you do! ” I didn’t really want feedback, I guess- or, not that feedback, God Damn.

It was months ago. I can’t let it go. He has his own issues, and I really should consider the source. I allowed myself to be very, very vulnerable with him, to the point that I was definitely crazy. He saw a side of me that was, indeed, crazy. He told me in the past that he only ever had sex with me because I was married to a cop( separated when we had sex- I had already filed for divorce and was living in my own apartment, but still married…so I guess I am an adulterer, technically…) and he wanted revenge on cops.

This guy, I don’t know…I’ve never been able to talk to a guy the way I talk to him. We would stay up all night, just talking. We were friends for five years before having sex. I then got into a relationship, we didn’t speak for three years. I became single, we started hanging out again, then started having sex again. Anyway, he knows me on a level that I don’t think anyone else does. So, I guess it was just a low blow. He meant it. I gave him a chance to explain further or take it back. He didn’t want that chance. He truly believes that about me- that no one would/will ever love me, because I am too crazy. He is an alcoholic and uses lots of other substances. I should not put much stock in feedback from someone in active addiction, right? I mean, not that there aren’t valuable things to consider. He is insightful and brilliant, but a judge of my ....”loveable-ness?” , he’s not.

I guess we differ, because I have never thought that about anyone- that they are too crazy to be loved. I know I asked for feedback, and he gave it. I can’t be mad at him for saying it. I guess it just hurts that he thinks that…he told me several times throughout our little friendship with benefits ordeal that he loved me…but I know he never really did.

I don’t know. It hurts me. I told him it hurt me and he ignored me. I cried because I was already in a low place. I don’t know.

I am not disputing my crazy. I know I am crazy. Too crazy to be loved? I don’t think anyone is. I have often feared that I am.

That’s all.

Last updated July 12, 2017