Just a Day in the Life in My Fucking Feelings

I’m so confused about my brain right now. It’s lie I don’t even know what I want sometimes. I go full force in one direction and then entirely ruin my progress moving the opposite way. Maybe I’m self sabotaging or maybe I’m indecisive. Maybe I just want it both ways or maybe I don’t have the self confidence to not doubt myself. Sometimes it’s lie I’m several different people in one. Like I could be anyone I want but I can’t make up my mind. I wonder if everyone feels this way or if I’m just particularly fickle.

I try to focus on the goals which I believe are most stable and don’t quickly change:

1. I want to spend my life helping people. It’s hard to now how best to do that but I’ll keep trying things until something clicks.
2. I want to be the best mom I can. I’m just not even sure what that means sometimes or how to best pursue it.
3. I will publish a book if it’s the last thing I do.
4. I want to be intelligent and learn everything I can. It seems like a pointless goal sometimes since I don’t have a real purpose for knowing some of the things I pursue but it’s really just a selfish desire. Being smart has always been a big part of my identity.

I am so freaking excited that school is starting up soon, but also I hope I don’t have to take any more math. It looks like I will probably be accepted into the CNA program but it means months of working for whomever they send me to. Hopefully that doesn’t interfere with my plans to get my BA. I didn’t really want to move to Kansas anyway but I was looking forward to a change of scenery for a while.

It’s good to be typing on a computer for once instead of a phone. Now let’s see if I can actually get something done today.