Wednesday Morning in New Diary

Well I survived another day. Worker came yesterday. She did laundry. We were talking about the 3rd. She was going to take me to Gabes in Weirton. She said she knows they have pants in my size. I was telling her I’m going to by a pair of pants online. We were talking about tv shows. We both like this one show called My Haunted House. We also like another show called The Haunting., Both of these shows are on Destination America channel 113

We were talking about different restaurants. She asked if I ever been to the Olive Garden in Pittsburgh. I said yes a long time ago. Then we were talking about Applebees in Steubenville. I said I was there a long time ago. She said she liked it when she was there . She mentioned a couple of places I didn’t know. One of them was Popeyes She said it is something like KFC only classier.

She was asking if I bought anymore books. I said no. I bought five this month. Trip to Wal Mart broke me. I can’t use my credit card except for meds. I said. Good she said. I said no books next month because I’m buying some much needed pants.

I had a nice visit with her. After she left I felt kind of down. I didn’t read yesterday. I just couldn’t get into my book. I was reading some pretty depressing chapters yesterday. Next one I am on is going to be even more depressing. I just needed a break from it. I turned on the tv. I had it on the today show earlier this morning. I remember hearing about how the Republican bill to replace Obamacare is DOA I was thinking they have control of both Houses of Congress and can’t even get it together to fulfill one of their major campaign promises. Good I said to myself.

I played a lot of chess games and had the tv on. I wasn’t doing so good against the computer yesterday, I wasn’t concentrating. I was thinking about my appointment with the therapist at 4 this afternoon. I was kind of afraid of what he might tell me because I have not left my apartment My mind was dwelling on it and I was getting very anxious,. It got to the point where I thought of cancelling but I decided I better go to the therapy appointment. It is very important.

I left my apartment around 3:30 this afternoon. Just as I was walking out the door my case manager pulled in. She asked how I was doing. I said I am alive. We were talking on the way up to Healthways. She asked what I have been doing. I said I have been doing a lot of reading,. I told her I’ve been reading a book about the history of Christianity. I said reading helps with the depression. She was pushing Day Treatment again. I really do not want to go back to that program I said to myself. I told her I was used to being alone all the time and was rather enjoying the solitude.

We get to Healthways. I hate afternoon appointments. I would rather go in the morning and get it over with. I was sitting in the waiting room and had to wait a long time for my therapist. I was getting pissed and the anxiety was very bad. I was thinking if I had a way home I would have gotten in the car and gone home. Finically he came for me and we went back into his office.

It wasn’t so bad. He asked me what I have been doing. I said I do a lot of reading. I thought he was going to get on me for not going out. He asked if I talked with anyone down three and I said no. All he said was that is no fun. I thought he was going to mention day treatment but he never brought it up. He asked me labou5t religions. I told him I believe in God. He asked me about prayer, I said I am not one for praying. He was asking me all these questions about my religious beliefs. He asked if I went to church as a kid. I said no. Then he was saying so all you know about Christianity you read . I said yes. I was getting kind of pissed at this. What does my religious beliefs have to do about anything.

I started talking about how I was feeling I said the anxiety is high. He asked me what brings that on. I said I don’t know. I said start thinking about things and then I start worrying. I can’t tell what exactly brings on the anxiety. At first I said I have nothing really to worry about. Then I brought up the fact that I worry about everything. I said I worry about finances. I worry about Chocolatechip. I worry about getting old and going into a nursing home. I worry about all kinds of stupid shit

Well therapy ended. Case managber took me home. I was glad to get home. I saw Chocolatechip sitting outside. I sat outside with her and talked to her a little bit. She was telling me another tenant fell. She called the ambulance and they are taking their good old time. Somebody else spoke to me. They said hi and I said hello. It was kind of hot and the heat was getting to me. I said I had to go back in. I gave her a hug and said I will always love you

I didn’t fix supper last night. I did a little bit of reading and went to bed early. Had a good nights sleep