Expectations and Expression in Everyday Ramblings

Because of the scheduled workshop yesterday and the fact that Mrs. Sherlock was at the annual Women’s Retreat in the Columbia River Gorge (I bet it was beautiful) we didn’t have our weekly hiking adventure. This shot is from two week ago up in the posh neighborhood up by Washington Park.

I learned the other day that one of the functions of the big public rose garden up there was to save varieties of English roses during WW1 in case of catastrophe. I love that someone was thinking about the roses during such difficulty.

I posted a number a months back a link to this short quiz here on the model of The Four Tendencies posited by the writer (and former Supreme Court Clerk) Gretchen Rubin.

I am clearly an Upholder. And following this model I am learning to understand something that I have struggled with my whole life. The Four Tendencies are about how we as humans deal with expectations, both internal and external.

To me they are the same. That is why I am happy and effective working at home. Tell me what the expectations are and I’ll get her done. I am a “self-starter” and need very little supervision.

I do need support though! I am, you know, Homo sapiens just like you.

Lately when I tell others about my pushup challenge I have been frustrated by the responses I get from pretty much everyone. Mrs. Sherlock is the exception, which is probably why I consider her such a good friend. She is a textbook Obliger though, a very skilled one as a retired home health nurse and then a nurse manager.

I posted about this on the Better App for The Four Tendencies and all the responses I got (except one) were just like all the other that frustrated me. The exception came from a woman that suggested that I try to express how hearing these responses feels to me.

Whoa, what a concept! Not being skilled at expressing myself in this way as an introvert I decided to employ the self-assertiveness model we learned in Weight Watchers a few weeks ago.

DESCRIBE the behavior you want changed.

Explain the EFFECT it’s having on you.

SPECIFY what you want or need to change.

Clearly state the CONSEQUENCES for you.

So here goes my attempt…

When I talk about how excited and powerful I feel having put in the effort on this pushup challenge and you respond by saying you could never do that, I feel you are implying that I am crazy to do it, and that never in a million years would you make the attempt because it seems too effortful and unattainable, or maybe that you have an injury or limitation that would preclude doing it.

When you respond that way I feel like there is a sudden shift in the conversation and we seem to be talking about you and your perceived shortcomings, when all I wanted to do was express delight and pride about this cool thing I have accomplished. And how remarkable it is to realize that, for me, building strength is not this huge arduous task but possible in little increments if done consistently. Amazing!

The way I perceive this shift in this conversation means I feel devalued, isolated and “special” and not in a good way. It would be helpful if you could express something positive about my achievement to me about me.

We can talk about you too, but not right this minute. I know you care about me and want me to achieve my goals and I feel that way about you as well. My hope is that we can both express that to each other and hold awareness that we have different styles of communicating and interacting with expectations.

It is so wonderfully human to perceive what someone else is doing and relate that to how we ourselves would experience that thing but for right now I need you to acknowledge my hard won success and help me celebrate it.

And now…let’s talk about you. :)

How did I do? I do realize that just the fact that I teach yoga might mean that you think when I talk about something I want you to do it too but I do lots of things I don’t teach because they are not appropriate for others for various reasons. Maybe I need to work on communicating that too. :)

Last updated July 16, 2022