Everywhere in My Fucking Feelings

I always see you.
Why are you everywhere?
And I know this hurt
Is just what you wanted.
Make me rue the day,
Right?

But you have no idea.
You couldn’t possibly understand.
What pain like this is.

I know if you felt is yourself
You would probably not survive.
That’s why the little boy
Is buried so deep inside.

Brain always aching
All the sleepless nights
Every little mistake
Replays like a horror
Replays like a horror
Replays like a horror
Not all of them were mine.

No way to change it.
No way to fix it.
Probably couldn’t have stopped it.

This pain.

Do you realise?
He saw through.
Tried to protect me
From You.
He saw.
But I never knew.
Couldn’t remember you.

I refused to read the second book for so long.
Why?
Jake died.
I was so angry.
I screamed. ‘But he was my favorite!’ ‘How could he do that?!’ ‘He just let Jake die!’ ‘He killed him!’ ‘He was my favorite!’ ‘This book series is aweful, it’s pointless! I don’t want to read it now. Because Jake’s dead!’ I was so upset.
That he gave away the rest.
He said.. ‘Jake’s not really dead.’

How did he know?
He prepared me.
All of it.
Led Zeppelin
Beauty and the Beast
Crying
Narcassism
Gaming
Feet washing

He said, ‘If you loved me you’d leave, and not make me look at you every day remembering what you’ve done.’

He said, ‘Please leave me! Don’t you understand! You have to let go! Please?! I’m killing you. Killing everything I loved. I’m turning you into a monster like me! Don’t you see! Please leave!’

He said, ‘I know you are still in there somewhere. So cold. I see it. I see you. In your eyes.’

Threatening suicide.
Trying to make me jealous.
Stalking.
His best impersonation of you.
All of it.
Now I look for clues.
Am I corelating unrelated things?
Or learning.

I wish I had understood.
Like so many times before.
Now was he right?
Should I dissapear.
Maybe God will shine down a light.
Make me do what is right.
Because I can’t on my own.
Thinking of you hurts.
But forgetting you hurts worse.

He never knew.
Didn’t have all the pieces.
Just like you.
You don’t know.
Couldn’t understand.
Can’t even tell you.
But eventually I will have to leave it in God’s hands.

For now
I bear the torture.
I am afraid.
I don’t know what is right.
What if I can’t do it?
Oh God.
Give me a way out.
Please!?
He was everything.
He’s in everything.
I just want my friend back!
And my sanity.
Wish you could understand
What you put me through too.
I wasn’t just me.
You were wrong too.
God help us.

God help us.