Hello Prosebox, Goodbye OD! in Riverdale

Hello Prosebox, Goodbye OD!

So I am Azzura from OD, for all of those who were on OD.

I was able to save my diary on a scan disk somewhere else thankfully because I do not have a working computer. I don’t care to have a computer I just use my iPod to write and post and don’t find it a big deal.

It’s east to write on my notes.

Anyways start of newness. It seems like 2014 is starting out to be full of new adjustments and changes.

I am retiring from my old Job basically after being there for 7 years. It’s a bittersweet ending really. It started out as a small humble company to a bigger company that I find it more corporate and has gone in a different direction than my life has taken me. Even as all of my co workers are my age (in their 20s) I cannot relate to any of them basically. Mostly to the fact that I have such a complicated life. I don’t live with my family, not going to school not dealing with smaller scale issues such as only bullying in the past or drug and alcohol addictions. My life is not yet a “success” story. I would have to say my life is just beginning. My job was w a youth mentorship program. While working in the company I always felt like a failure, not good enough and was treated that way indirectly.

NOW I know better. My failure is not wholly attributed to my own character but the environment around me. Not having the security net of a supportive family and friends(due to moving so much to low income neighbourhoods) living and struggling with poverty and past trauma. For some this reality is terrifying to see so people can be shunned blamed and ignored. The on going challenges I face will be things that are not easily and quickly solvable. While I have made many gains and strides and I am
Continuing to, it’s no a linear process or even a “coasting along” one.

BUT I am not thoroughly convinced that within my company I am the only one really…I feel like many many families are fucked up. But often it can take awhile and reluctance for people to come out and recognize the damage their family has done to them. For many reasons shame,denial, ignorance, identifying with the aggressor those who abused them, wanting to appear normal and the taboo in our culture not to air dirty laundry and the blood is thicker and water analogy. I bought this bullshit for awhile.

I was very big into my family. I wanted to believe my family was close healthy loving and supportive. I tried so hard to bond w my siblings but it never happened. I tried to forgive my father for abusing me but none of them ever changed and my pain never stopped.

So I did the best thing I could do. Cut them them out for my own sanity. Best decision I ever made.

So it’s kind of infuriating at times to be the only who speaks out about having a fucked up family whole everyone else gasps in horror and they pretend that their problems just came out of thin air, but now they solved them as quickly as they “created” them. It sends a very confusing message to younger youth.

Maybe I am biased because I don’t really know what a “healthy” family is.

Maybe it just takes time for some.

Anyways, they are throwing my a going away party basically. Which I do appreciate. Maybe I can get some closure and just see it all from a different level. There are some reasons why I am leaving on a weird note but I won’t get into it.

I know that I am starting this new peer worker program and aligning with a different purpose and people. For good reason. This course has a company very similar to my old one and there might be a possibility I could work with them afterwards.

Either way It’s time for me to cut loose the ball and chains of the past. Time doesn’t make something better. Family long working history. I have to change And move on Nd I am glad I am.

I can go to the party and feel like ok this is my past now. I am moving on. I am doing bigger and better things now.

I am seeing it all with new eyes.

Like when you leave an abusive relationship and stop making excuses and are no longer blind..

Last updated March 13, 2019