Those Thoughts in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Mondays suck. Not that such a profound and sweeping generalization is really something to break down but… they suck.

For some weeks, Monday is when everything hits the fucking fan. That was last Monday for me. Clients were very ill behaved during the weekend and everything went to shit. So I’m scrambling trying to figure things out.

For some weeks, Monday is when you barely have the ability to stay awake. That is me this week. I’m reading 20 pages of dry Mortgage Boiler Plate language. My mind wanders, my eyes droop, my body starts thinking “GO TO SLEEP!”

It won’t be great for Billable Hours but, honestly? If I can generate 24.7 billable hours this week and do 20.9 the week after; I will actually have hit my monthly goal of 83.4 billable hours for 1 month. Which would translate to (at least) $2500. But yeah. That means I need to figure out how to get (basically) 5 billable hours a day. Not an easy task.

Of late… despite the job issues… despite desperately wanting to go on a vacation… despite Wife still hating/despising her job and wanting to find something new… despite having glaucoma… I do have to confess… things are going okay. Like… I’m okay with where I live. I’m okay with my wife. I’m okay (in many respects) with my job.

AND YET…

Despite all of that, I still find myself obsessively day dreaming about going back in time. Because I am infinitely more equipped to deal with what was going on then. I mean, back then… a girl takes an interest in me, cheats on me, demands I take her back, and attacks me… hell, now I would know how to deal with it. Or something as minuscule as Cafeteria Teasing. Walk in to the cafeteria in my usual garb; the entire “Black Students” table erupts into heckles of “Columbine” and “School shooter”… now I would know how to deal with that! People all around me, including those I considered good friends, trying to convince me that I was gay and not listening when I said that I really wasn’t. NOW I would know how to deal with that! I had no idea… not even an inkling… back then. And that kind of shit got to me, festered in me… really altered how things could have/should have been. I know it sounds like something terribly foolish, stupid, fucked up even… but I honestly think if I could go back, re-do 1999 through 2005… things would be better. And that is even acknowledging loudly and with gusto… I would not avoid making mistakes. Mistakes would still happen. Some of the old mistakes would still happen, some new mistakes would pop up. Nothing is perfect. But… having a sense of emotional stability? But more. Much more. I don’t know how I got this way but somehow, I got it into my head that if I lived life a certain way, did things a certain way, then my destiny would be mine. If I did everything as close to as I was told as possible… if I was always on the up and up and went forward with honor… everything in my future would be “as it was supposed to be.” I’d get a job I could do well and make a lot of money; I’d own my own house within 4 years and start a family within 6. I’d live the American Suburban Dream because… I didn’t want/need more than that. Living a life similar to my parents sounded like a GOOD thing.

But the truth is… none of that is true. Trying to be on the straight and narrow all the time doesn’t translate to a successful future. Being a shining example of Morals and Virtue has zero benefit. And I’m not saying if I got the chance to re-do my time that I would become some Corrupt, Foul individual. But I wouldn’t have held myself back at every turn. Because that is what happened. Every time I thought, “Well, I could do this.” The first thing I thought of was “Think of your future!” So while kids were “living like they were invincible” I lived a life of caution and concern. When I was confronted with a beautiful woman, my thoughts would always turn to “First, think if your future. Second, consider her feelings. Third, consider your future if she hates you.” I was always too into my own head. Which resulted in an explosion at 17. Because when you have “Think of your future” bubbling away inside for so long… at some point, you snap. And when I snapped, I got into that violent, abusive, nightmare relationship. I know it is never going to happen. I know that there is NO use in these thoughts. And if I could control them, honestly, I would never think them again. But what is playing in my mind right now loudly on repeat: “I want to go back. I want a second chance.” I’d flirt with MJ’s little sister. I’d ask Aoife on a date. I’d never miss a school dance and always go for it in trying to secure a date to said dance. I’d engage in my studies more. This is a compulsion… a thing I can’t control… but over and over… the thought of “Everything in my life would be better if I could re-do those six years!