Friday Morning in New Diary

Well I am up. I slept in today just woke up. I saw Chocolatechip yesterday afternoon. She called me and wanted to know if she could come up and use the computer. I said sure you are always welcome. She came up and I gave her a hug. We sat and talked for a little bit. I asked how her dentist appointment went. She said she had two cavities. I asked how she was doing. She said she increased her blood pressure med. Her BP increased and I was sorry to hear that. She asked me what was new with me. I said nothing much been very depressed. I told her I’ve been doing a lot of reading. I said I saw her on FB one time I left a message but didn’t respond. She said she was on her ex husbands phone She couldn’t figure out how to get to the message.

We talked a little bit about the break up. She said we never talked. She also said it wasn’t good not to have friends. I didn’t respond to that. I said I have been doing a lot of thinking about things. I was telling her that perhaps people in the building don’t really hate me. It is all in my head. The real problem is that I hate myself. She said that was bad. She also said you will never know until you get out there and try talking to people. She also said she understood that is hard to do when you can’t hear.

She got on the computer. I asked if she wanted a pop. She said dentist told her to stay away from pop. I asked if she got her cigars. I said I can go down and get them for you. She didn’t take me up on it. She did her business on the computer said thank you and left. Before leaving I said you are always welcome to come up and use the computer. She said she didn’t want to take advantage,.

I felt very bad. after she left. I did a lot of thinking about the situation. I felt like a failure. I felt that I could not provide what she needed most -friends,. conversation. I really tried with her. I tried hardest with her than anyone else because I loved her and wanted her in my life. It didn’t work out. I thought about how nothing ever works out in my life and everything seems top turn to shit. I thought about this for a long time and I got very depressed.

I was thinking about the breakup. I was hoping for a reconciliation. I was hoping that at least we could go back to being friends. After talking to her yesterday I realized it is not meant to be. I realized it is over and over for good this time. I think I laid on my couch and cried for a while.

Then I went on a massive pity party. I was thinking I am 66 years old. In my entire life I have not made a single friend. There must be something seriously wrong with me. Perhaps I am too screwed up to have anyone in my life. I was thinking to myself that I need to work on these issues. Then I was thinking to myself if I can’t get it right by now then I am a lost cause. There really is no hope for me. I am destined to liver the rest of my life alone.

I was able to pull myself out of the bout of depression. I did a lot of reading late in the afternoon. I’m still reading my book on the history of Christianity. I didn’t fix supper. I had a big breakfast yesterday and that filled me up all day . I watched NBC news Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. I stayed up later than usual reading and went to bed around 9 or 9:30

Oh well another day has passed

Last updated July 14, 2017