Bored as shit. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve only been on maternity leave for 3 days and I’m already starting to feel the boredom. I just wish I wouldn’t have gotten stupid hemorrhoids or I’d still be working. I’ve definitely started feeling more swollen in my hands and feet as well. I can’t believe I’m already almost 37 weeks along. It’s gone super fast and I’m grateful because this heat is absolutely intolerable. I honestly miss working already and have actually been thinking of asking about working next week but I don’t really want to sign myself up to and then not be able to because every day is different physically.

We hung out for a couple of hours today. I had him come with me because I had to buy kitty litter and it’s super heavy. He brought everything in from the car. I guess I made him feel like he has no rights as a parent so he got super quiet and then I took him home. I honestly felt really bad about it and wanted him to come back over later but he didn’t really want to. I just don’t know how to move forward with him because we are both so stuck on what we’ve done to each other. He said that even if we aren’t together, he wants to be able to come around everyday. That makes me feel good because I do want him to be around. I don’t want to be a single Mom if it’s avoidable.

We’ve been talking over Facebook and figuring things out. I guess my issue is I’m still angry for him leaving me and it’s hard for me to let it go. I tend me to really hard on him and then I feel bad but then he’ll say something stupid or selfish and then I don’t feel bad anymore. I told him tonight that we need to start making real effort to get along, even if it’s just to co-parent. I just worry that everything is going to be a fucking battle. I’m honestly terrified of having constant drama and conflict with him or his family.

Then I noticed today that my brother had been hauling stuff in the back of his truck. Come to find out they bought a house. I’m happy for them but it definitely makes me want the same for myself. I feel a lot of anxiety because I just don’t want to be stuck living here too much longer. Now that I’m on maternity leave, I’m going to start looking for other jobs. I want a real job where I’m in a better position to support my child. Whether her Dad is there financially or not, I just want a different job. I’m honestly so fucking sick of my job and when I go back, I’m only going to work 4 days a week so that I have more time to look for something else and be able to be a Mom.

It definitely makes me feel more alone knowing that my brother isn’t next door now. I know that I never see them anyway but now it’s just different. He didn’t say where they actually moved to so I don’t even know how far away they live. Again, everything in my family is a big fucking secret. He mentioned me texting my Mom and I told him no, it’s not my job to keep reaching out to her. I’m just getting too pregnant to keep chasing after people when they’ve proved over and over how little fucks they have to give about me.

The lady that was going to help me get back in school never did text me back about tending to my cats while I have my kid. She said she would and I told her that we could have our next visit at my house so I’m able to show her where stuff is and all that but she never did answer me. It’s really upsetting because she was so nice and everything but then flaked out and I don’t even know why. I’m just so frustrated because I literally have NO fucking help whatsoever and it stresses me out like crazy. I’ll just have to figure it out when the time comes because obviously trying to have it worked out before I have my kid just isn’t going to happen.

Boredom and loneliness is already starting to kick my ass. I’ve been pretty busy the past 3 days but I know I’m going to have days where I have nothing going on and I’m going to lose my mind trying to find stuff to do. I desperately need to find a hobby or something. It’s sad that I know hundreds of people in this town but there’s no one to ever hang out with and a lot of it has to do with no one ever having cars or money and I don’t want to feel like I’m paying people to hang out with me. I’d be okay with people just coming over to bullshit for an hour or so. I just can’t afford to be spending money to go out and do things right now.

I’ve been thinking about maybe getting an adult coloring book with some colored pens or something. I think him and I are gonna go for a walk in the park. My issue is I don’t have to be around other people all the time but I don’t want to plan to just sit at home by myself all day everyday either.

So it looks like my friends is going to take the 1 kitten in a few days. I’m super sad about it but just gonna try and keep in mind it’s what’s best for everyone. I’ll still have 4 of them that need homes. I am going through cat food/litter at a high rate of speed along with paying for their vaccinations and I still have to get the Mom fixed. I knew that I would have to find homes for them once I realized the Mom was pregnant but it still breaks my heart. I wish I could keep them all but my place just isn’t big enough and I’m going to have a baby soon. I’m going to post them online again in the next few days and let people know they’ll only go to approved homes only. I want to know that they will go to people who will love and care for them like I have because I’ve heard so many horror stories about people using them as snake food, dog bait, and abusing them that I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I worry how the Momma cat is going to take it having one less baby but I read online that they are okay with it within a day or two because they know they’ve done a good enough job for them to be rehomed. I’m not sure how exactly anyone came up with that but I’m sure she’ll be fine because she’ll still have the other ones, at least until I find homes. It’s just crazy how many people I’ve asked and everyone already has cats, or they are allergic, or just hate cats all together. Ugh. It sucks.

Anyways, my feet are swollen so I need to go lay down with a pillow under them. More tomorrow.