Parasitic Mud & Hairless Legs in General Mental Anesthesia

THE PARTICIPANTS:

ALICE: Everyone’s favorite jigsaw puzzle
HABIB: The kosher deli’s best cold served pork sandwich
BIG STEVE: From the Land of Loud Language
TWISTED SISTER: My little sister
GOTH: AKA: Yours truly

Many, many years ago, when the earth was still round, Alice (my best friend from back in high school) was on vacation and staying with me when I lived in South Florida. He had mentioned that he hadn’t seen my little sister (who was 8 at the time) in a while. I knew she’d want to see him so it was decided that we’d get together with other friends… Habib & occasionally Big Steve, then go to my mom’s apartment complex to go for a swim.

My little sister met us out by the pool. She brought with her a few toys etc… The water was warm, nice in the upper 80’s, we had a blast cupping our hands so she could put her feet in them and launching her up in the air over the water. She was having a ton of fun; we all were.

Soon she took out a tennis ball and we were all playing catch. Back ‘n forth, everything was cool. When Big Steve being Big Steve accidentally threw the ball a little too hard, and it bounced on the deck and over the side railing falling into the lake below. We all kind of laughed but someone had to retrieve the ball. Luckily that year we had been in a terrible drought, and the water had receded considerably. We went to the railing and noticed that the ball was on dry land. But someone needed to walk around and cross the lake where it was only about 12 feet wide, and completely dried up to get to it.

Alice “agreed” to be that someone.

We cheered him on from above. Alice put on his new Reebok sandals and headed towards the lake.

Where he had to step looked like it was desert. The surface dirt was dry and cracked like Habib’s anus. No problem!

Alice took one step and sunk thigh-high into the mud. He immediately screamed for help!

ALICE: “Help!!! Oh my G-D, I’m sinking!!!” (He laughs and screams at the same time.)

We quickly meandered to his aid.

By the time we got there, Alice was trying to trudge his way across. We laughed our asses off! He made it to the other side, covered in foul smelling sewer mud, he was pissed but laughing also. Until… He looked down and saw his new $60.00 sandals missing.

ALICE: “Shit! Where are my sandals?”

We looked… we didn’t see them. Alice had no other choice but to walk back into the mud and dig through to search for them.

Keep in mind, this mud stank extremely bad; dead possum scrotum bad! We didn’t want to go in there after seeing what happened to Alice. So, for about 15 - 20 minutes or thereabouts, we watched him look around in the mud with no success. (sigh) We had to help.

The three of us entered the slimy pooish goop and reached down feeling around for a shoe. I made sure that Twisted Sister stayed on the grass. We looked and searched for over an hour! The sandals.... those fuckers were absorbed. I can’t speak for everyone, but for some weird reason my legs felt like they were on fire!

Slowly we got out of the mud; poor Alice, but we had greater concerns. Habib and I had leeches on us! I know, I was surprised too, not to mention other bugs from this reeking parasitic sludge. Alice too, was covered in filth, as was Big Steve. We hurried to the showers to get cleaned up. Habib and I had to help one another rip off the blood suckers. We must’ve smelled like Captain Slow’s armpit from the Vietnam episode of Top Gear! This really sucked, and my legs were killing me!

After washing etc… we examined each other to make sure we were all ok. (It was like that scene from “Stand by me”). For the most part it seemed that we were fine, except for Alice who was in the mud about 20-30 minutes longer than any of us; he completely lost all the hair on his legs from just above his knees down. This is a mystery. He was as smooth as a papaya dipped in bacon fat on the hunt for a crunchy exterior. We laughed about it and hopped in Habib’s car to go back to his house.

My legs were burning as if they had been scratched with razors and urinated on by a lemon with STD’s!!! Alice was mourning both his hair and sandals, and Habib had developed a rather intense nervous twitch. Seriously, as he was driving, every few seconds his right leg started shaking and his foot repeatedly tap, tap, tapped on the gas pedal. He turned into Thumper from Bambi! This of course made Big Steve act like Big Steve which made Habib laugh which stressed out his twitchy leg even more.

Somehow, this circus act accelerating randomly down the road didn’t get pulled over on the way home.

About 5 or 6 hours later all of our mud symptoms subsided. But to this day… some 15 years later… it has been reported that Alice indeed has small patches of hair on his ankles, but for all intensive purposes… he still has barbie doll hairless legs.

Last updated March 09, 2020