Bad Day yesterday in New Diary

I had a very bad day yesterday. Depression got the best of me. I didn’t do a damned thing but sit in front of the computer and played endless chess games. I had some bad thoughts thinking about suicide. I would never act on those thoughts. If anything I have a great fear of death . That alone will keep me going But I had them. I was thinking I wished everything was over. I was tired. I was tired of being mentally ill. Tired of everything. I saw no real future and nothing would get better.

Depression and anxiety hit me after my worker left I was thinking about the 3rd and my finances . I went over my budget for the million time Once again I owe $290.58 My check is $755. Comcast and rent will be $150 and $241.75 That will leave me with $363.25. I will buy three cartons of cigars at Gumby’s that will be $42 I will go to Wal Mart and reload fee for my debit card will be $3.21 I will put $295 on my card. I will have $23.04 left for the month, But I will be free of debt.

I was thinking I am in a very bad cycle with that damned credit card. I pay off the bill then I don’t have money to live on. I use the credit card for groceries and things. This only racks up another bill. I never should have gotten one in the first placer. That was the dumbest thing I ever did.

Anyways I was thinking about these things. I could not get these thoughts out of my head. The harder I tried the more they remained,. I think I was at one point having a panic attack. I wanted to lie on my couch and hug a pillow , I think that is what I did for most of the day.

I also thought about the Dark Tower books I was reading. I really got into the story. I got involved with the characters in the story. They almost seemed like friends to me. I hated to finish the last book. But I finished it and now it is over. I still thought about the characters and the plot and I was sad to see it finished it will take me a couple days to get over the book.

Then thoughts of being alone all the time got to me. I thought about that as well. I was thinking about how I am 66 years old and haven’t got a single friend in the world., I was thinking I always had trouble with people. I never had friends in high school. I never could get along too good with people I worked with. When I was married I couldn’t get along with my in laws. I am estranged from my family. I kept thinking that I must be a real piece of shit

I was in a very bad place. I guess I was having a massive pity party. I had all these thoughts whirling around in my head. I felt very foolish. I tried refute these thoughts with my list of positives. I tried to remind myself that things are not so bad. Whenever I came up with a positive thought I said to myself this is bullshit. Things are really bad and they are not going to get much better.

Then I had a phone call. It was Chocolatechip’s ex husband. He wanted to know where she was., I said I didn’t know. We talked for a while and he hung up. Then I started thinking all kinds of crazy stuff about her. Why would he call me I kept thinking. If he can’t get a hold of her I wondered something could have happen. She could have been in the hospital or something worse I was thinking if anything happened to her I really couldn’t live with myself.

I gave her a call . This time she answered my call. I was telling her that Doug called and he was trying to get a hold of her., She said she talked to him. I asked how she was doing I said I thought you might be in the hospital. She said she was fine. She got her check today and she had to take the bus down to the bank and up to Wal Mart. She said she just got back. I asked how she was doing and she said ojk. She wanted to know if I got my banking done today and I said no. I am going out on Monday. I asked if she was ok and she said she was fine. She sounded fine on the phone and I felt better. Then she said she had to take care of some business and that was the end of our conversation.

After our conversation I thought of my therapy session with Bill. I think at one point he was telling me that maybe she wants me to pursuer her,. He said perhaps she felt like she wasn’t getting enough attention. He suggested that I go down to her apartment and ask if we could talk. If anything else he said perhaps this could bring in some cloture. When I was talking to her I was asking her if I could come down. I didn’t get much of a response.

I thought about this yesterday afternoon. I was thinking what would be the harm. Two things could happen. She would answer the door and let me in. Or she would tell me she didn’t want to be bothered. I kept thinking about this and I thought maybe I should give it a try. Only I thought it might be best to wait until I was feeling a little better. Perhaps I cou8d do it on the 3rd after I get my bills paid. If nothing else comes of it at least I made the effort.

Well I managed to fix dinner. I had a good tv dinner. I listened to the news and watched Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune I went bed early

I am feeling somewhat better this morning. Thoughts of suicide passed. I am not worried about the 3rd. Not too worried about anything. Life seems a bit better Life is good.

Anyways I was thinking about finances. I was also thinking about actually leaving my apartment,. Just the thought of it filled me with dread. I hate going out and for some reason being in Wal Mart by myself fills me with dread,. I