Survived the Weekend in New Diary

Weekend was pure hell. I was so depressed and lonesome. I didn’t talk to a single soul. I was I was very depressed and very anxious. I kept thinking about Chocolatechip., I kept thinking about finances,. I kept thinking about my credit card balance and thinking if I pay it off all at once I’m going to be in a hell of a fix. After rent and Comcast it will take all my check to pay it off. But mostly I kept thinking about Anne and our recent break up. All I can say is this really sucks big time.

I don’t think I can continue on this way much longer. I am very depressed. I also got very paranoid. I heard people talking out in the hall yesterday. I thought it was that girl/ down the hall from me giving me trouble. Then I kept thinking if I continue to go down the tubes they will put me in a nursing home. I was at the point yesterday where I didn’t’ care. I was thinking let them come and take me. I am done and I just cannot do it anymore.

I did manage to take my trash out. I sat outside for a little bit but it was kind of cold. I sat in the community room for a while but then I got very anxious. I went back to my apartment. I sat in front of the computer and stared at the screen. I didn’t feel like doing anything. Around noon I turned on the oldies channel and listened to music. I had that on all afternoon and the music made me feel better I also read my book Dark Tower by Stephen King

I did a lot of reading in the afternoon. Then I came to a very sad part. The author killed off one of my favorite characters It was realty sad., I read the part where Jake died trying to save Stephen King’s life. I was kinbd of pissed with him for writing that into the story I had to put the book down and get away for it for a while. Then I played games on the computer. I played chess and history trivia game.

I was pretty hungry Sunday. I didn’t have anything to eat at all. I felt like ordering a sub from Fox’s Pizza. I felt very depressed. I was thinking I’m already in debt up to m eyeballs but what the hell. But I didn’t I fought off the urge. I fixed a another tv diner for supper and that filled me up.

I watched channel 9 news last night and NBC news. Then I turned off the tv and read for a while. I think I went to bed around 8

Well it is Monday. I got through the weekend. I had a doctors appointment. I was outside waiting for my case manager. I saw Chocolatechip. I waved at her and she hardly responded. I was kind of bothered by it. I was glad to see her and she hardly even looked at me. Well at least she is still alive and kicking and seeing her still around was a relief,.

Went to the doctor’s office. I didn’t have long to wait. I got my stiches removed. Yippie.

I am very, very hungry. I wanted to have my case manager stop at Tudors for a Ron Biscuit. But I cannot afford to put anymore charges on my credit card. I am thinking about ordering a sub from Fox’s I want to binge on something tonight. But I can’t put anything more on my credit card. Tried looking around for some change for the snack machine. I don’t have any change. I am flat broke and in debt up to my eyeballs.

Oh well I have food to eat. It isn’t like I am starving to death. I just feel so frustrated and depressed. Binging always makes me feel better. I used to binge eat. I would be so upset and frustrated about things that I would eat until I felt like puking. I can’t do that no. I don’t have anything to eat except tv dinners and I need to space thouse until the 5th of July when I can go shopping.

Hell with it Hell with it all