Dingle-berries in the Breeze in General Mental Anesthesia

Harken back to the olden days!

Not feeling it lately with all that’s going on with me. I needed some amusement so went full on nostalgia mode and read some old od entries. My doppelganger on there was my real life best friend “Habib’s Kosher Beaks”. Some of you may remember him. I have his old entries saved as we often co-authored our adventures, and that’s what I’m going to post. An old Habib entry, though not one I co-authored. It may not make you laugh, but it was one of the funniest nights I’ve ever had. You should have been there, so here’s the next best thing!

(Eventually you’ll get used to the random).

Some of the photo’s Habib used were water damaged due to a hurricane that hit years later, I only have the hard copies to use in this post. The story is the same, but the pics were cleaner back then. Sorry about that.

And without further adieu....

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Rip Torn - Not The Person But The Cemetery Gate

Wow! I find it difficult to produce the right words to describe yesterday’s events. Let’s just say that my leg is killing me and I’m very lucky that I still have a left ball. I guess I kind of look like an art installation at an S&M club!

Where do I start? I think I’ll start at the very end.

THE END

The night was moist, full of water particles and cactus sweat. One would think, you were under the wing of the Yellow Beehive, but it was not treacherous and the night smelled like pine sol.

Goth and myself had plans with our old new friend “Greens”. Goth and Greens have been friends for years, they hung out and frequently touched elbows and eventually I joined in on the fun one time lacing up Green’s boots with my teeth while Bon Jovi watched in amazement.

We had plans to traverse through haunted Evergreen Cemetery under the cover of darkness, “a favorite old place of his, also know as The Land of King Jeef”. Sadly, Goth’s grandfather, (1600 miles away) passed away the night before, supposedly, they were very close…. so, he wanted to be in a cemetery, since he couldn’t fly up for the funeral. Instead of him going to the cemetery just to morn, he thought it befitting to be in good company… and Goth, being Goth always had his paranormal investigating equipment with him; cameras and things that light up, beep and talk (he’s a little bit Star Wars sometimes) but that’s why we get along so well.

Now, walking though graveyards late at night is not Habib’s favorite thing in the world. I’m always afraid of cops, gang members, discarded memories, cheese, and Casper. Actually, the fear of Casper is a small part of it compared to the other reasons. But, since I wanted to impress Greens, I decided to force myself and go.

We arrived there at approximately 10:25 PM EST. We soon realized that the gate, well all the gates, to the cemetery were locked. The mile-long, eight foot high metal spiked fence might present a problem. We tried getting in from the back woods, but it was to no avail. Goth pointed out a two foot high concrete slab running for about 40 feet on the north-east corner of the cemetery that he said he only had to use once before. This was to be our way in.

I then suggested that we leave and hang out at the beach for a little while and come back after midnight. Deep down, I was hoping that we would not go back, that Goth and Greens would change their minds. Yeah right! They’re tighter than a pair of tights those two!

After chilling at the beach for a couple of hours, I reluctantly headed back with them. This time the area adjoining the cemetery was pretty empty except for the occasional driver and ferret.

We entered the premises just as we’d planned. Being inside the cemetery was not that bad with the exception of a few things.

1. Diving into cemetery dirt every time a car passed by.
   II. Diving into cemetery dirt every time a pedestrian passed by.
2. Diving into cemetery dirt every time a bicyclist passed by.
3. The 10,000 mosquitoes
   IV. Diving into a muddy puddle next to the Huizenga crypt
4. Billy Zane

While walking around, we took some pictures to try to capture spirit energy on film.

This is Goth using some of his paranormal equipment. Don’t ask me what it does, all I know is that it scares the shit out of me!

Nothing was really happening so he sat and regaled us with stories of his Grandfather and WWII, but didn’t tell us about the time his grandfather got drunk at his barmitzvah and started break-dancing with Mr. Fresh and The Supreme Rockers.

After about an hour in the cemetery it was time to go, something I was quite pleased with. Everything would be the same as before except that the concrete slab would be on the inside of the fence which meant that it would be very difficult to swing your leg over because you would need a fair bit of upper body strength to hold yourself up as you couldn’t put your foot on anything. Habib doesn’t have much upper body strength.

Goth went over (no problem), Greens went over with a little boost from Habib and Goth to hold her on the other side (no problem). Habib goes over (BIG fucking problem). As I was getting over the top of the fence (and let me remind you that the top of the iron fence was 8 feet high & consisted of sharp curved spikes), I heard a tear in my pants. Goth started to laugh because he tore his shirt on the fence going in.

I didn’t think much of it either. They were old jeans, and I was about the leave the cemetery, or so I thought… When I tried to jump down, there was another tear and I just dangled there like a fish on a spike! I wasn’t moving. My feet were suspended five feet off the ground, my arms flailing at my sides, my crotch impaled on the fence!!!

What happened was, one of the spikes on the fence tore into the crotch of my jeans, went in about eight inches and came out above my zipper. I tried frantically to push with my feet to tear the remainder of my jeans so that I would fall down, not caring about injury from the fall at that point. But, there was no way. I was stuck; Dracula food! It was like hanging from a belt while rock climbing except my chode was all mashed like i was getting fisted by Ironman!

In between laughing his ass off and taking pictures of me, Goth tried his best to free me but it wasn’t happening. He was mostly curled up in the fetal position dying of laughter with Greens bent over him doing the same. Meanwhile, I furiously kept humping these wrought iron bars in a childish temper-tantrum with reckless abandon hoping something would tear or break other than my penis!

Poor thing....

My balls were in knots! Plus, I kept yelling at Goth, which didn’t help as he tried to calm me down so we could plan a path to freedom. But, at every attempt I was just getting more and more stuck. So, I told Goth to stop trying. At this point, I was stuck in three additional holes in my jeans, and both my legs were stuck between the iron bars now from trying to push off the fence and missing. So now my knees were stuck and I was thinking to myself, I might be stuck here until the police come or I can get some butter and a spatula.

Time was of the utmost importance, because at any point a car could come by. After about 25 minutes of struggling, I managed to free both my legs and those three additional holes I was stuck though. But, the crotch hole was hopeless! I was still impaled, dangling from this damn thing! Dingleberries in the breeze! I would have needed to lift my left leg a good foot higher then was possible, plus have levitated in midair to create slack so that I could have slid off.

Where’s Criss Angel when you need him???

Goth and Greens were sitting there, laughing to death, stumped on ways to win my freedom. They might as well have been playing poker in the background. Luckily, a frantic Habib, came up with an idea.

“I have to take my pants off”.

I had Goth and Greens take off my left shoe and pull my pant down so I could get my leg free. It was still quite challenging; it worked though, but I was still not free. Greens removed my right shoe and then with some strong pulling from her and lifting from Goth (surprisingly they managed to pull myself free of the jeans

At which point, I fell the five feet to the ground in nothing but my pink boxers and my tee shirt. I was VERY relieved!

I grabbed my ripped up jeans, put them on, checked my pockets to make sure I didn’t drop anything, and then we headed to my house to watch “Clerks”.

Last updated March 11, 2020