Just done. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had to call in Friday and Saturday due to my lower back/pelvis hurting so fucking bad I could barely walk. It’s the first time I’ve ever missed a weekend. I’m still upset about it because I need the money for my rent. I hung out with BD last night and I don’t even know why I keep allowing this person into my life. We still just don’t get anywhere due to his selfishness/immaturity and I’m gonna be so glad when I’m done being pregnant so I’m able to look at things in a more stable light.

I asked him the other day about signing the BC and he said, “we’ll see” and that really made me furious. I love how he gets to pick and choose his involvement and thinks that it’s completely okay to skip out on his responsibilities. Again, this is why I’m getting my fucking tubes tied. I don’t want to find myself in this predicament ever again and I just believe that one child is going to be enough. Last night he pissed me off because he wanted to go out to eat but I pay for myself when I’ve bought him food 3 times lately and have fed him when we hang out at my house. I also don’t like how rough he handles my kittens and no matter how many times I say something about it, he just keeps doing it.

I’ve also asked him to not smack my ass because it makes my back hurt. He did it again last night and I fucking hit him in the chest. He just has serious issues with respect and it drives me crazy. I also got mad because when I went to pick him up, I got roped into giving his brother a ride home when he didn’t even tell me his brother was with him. I just don’t like being volunteered to do things for people, especially when I wasn’t aware of having to do it in the first place. He wanted to spend the night but had to work at 7 so I took him home after we were done hanging out because I wasn’t trying to get up at 6 am to give him a ride home.

He has no plans to ever get a car and that’s a serious issue. I even asked him about what he would plan to do if I needed him to get her from daycare and he had no response. He’s made it more than fucking clear that he’s really not going to be too involved with raising his child. There’s always going to be some excuse and he doesn’t understand that after I deal with it for awhile, I’m not going to bother trying anymore. Then today he tells me his Mom pawned his TV while he was at work and asked to borrow one of mine. I of course said no and then he said something about how I couldn’t even do it for my child’s Father. Um, what the fuck has he done for me or his kid?! NOTHING!

I just can’t help but feel that everything with this person is just going to be a constant fight until I finally just pack up and move away. I’m not going to deal with someone acting like I owe them just because we have a child together. He acts like he’s just going to control my life and that’s not going to fucking happen. I already can’t rely on him for anything and never will.

Physically I’m doing better but being tired all the time is seriously starting to get to me. It’s done crazy shit to my brain and I don’t know how long I’m going to keep working. I originally thought I’d keep working until the end of next week but I don’t know if I will or not. I’m going to just try and get through this week and if I’m still feeling the way I do, I’m going to let my boss know that I’m done until I come back from maternity leave. I’ve been so tired lately and it’s getting harder and harder to keep myself going until I get off work. It doesn’t help that I never get off when I’m supposed to and I have very limited energy now.

I really wish that I had someone to help me make these decisions but as usual, I’m on my own. I only have so much money in the bank and it bothers me that I’ve made nothing for so long so my accounts aren’t where I’d like them to be. I know I have enough to be okay for at least 2 or so months but I just wish I had more than I do.

Literally I’m over being pregnant. Aside from my back/pelvis hurting, the aspect of tired is seriously too much to keep trying to cope with every fucking day. I had my class today so I could get a free pack and play and once I was done, I came home and napped for several hours on the couch. I woke up, still tired as shit so I slept even more. I used to think being diabetic tired was bad but being diabetic along with a child growing inside of me is beyond exhausting. I seriously can’t wait until my daughter gets here. I want my body back. I want to be able to feel myself again. I know I’ll still have to get through recovery and the healing process but I think it’s going to be super awesome to be able to walk again.

Being pregnant has been the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through emotionally, mentally, and physically. I don’t want to experience it ever again. I truly don’t understand women who say how they love it and miss it when it’s over unless they don’t have to work. I have rearranged my house, threw at least a dozen garbage bags full of trash away, bought baby stuff, organized it, saved over a thousand dollars in my 1 bank account and I’ve done all of this by myself. When I think about how much I’ve done, I honestly feel exhausted.

I’m thankful I’m scheduled less than 20 hours this week and I’m off Friday night. I’m going to make my decision by Thursday night and probably just let my boss know I’m getting too pregnant and it’s too difficult trying to keep up. I would love to work into next week but I already feel that I’ve pushed myself as far as I could and need to start listening to my body. It’s also because the heat has made me super crabby while I’m there and I make a lot of mistakes because of it.

It’s just so crazy how I can sleep 8-10 hours and still try to wedge in a nap before work. There’s a lot of times I’ll do this and still be struggling halfway through my shift to keep going. To be tired as fuck for months at a time is extremely trying and honestly, annoying.

Anyways, I’m gonna watch my show here soon and get ready for bed. I have yet another ultrasound in the morning. I’m also really fucking sick of going to the dr every week and starting my week off with it because it makes for a really long fucking day.