I know I know *IMPORTANT* in 2017

Why do I do this? I get so fucking overwhelemed that I don’t go on here because I don’t have time but then I always forget what I wanted to write because I don’t get on here to write right away. UGh.

This is my therapy. I need it. And Ive been on edge. Just going to check back at the last time I wrote and see where I left off. I know I wont be able to remember everything that went on but maybe I wont even try to recap… we will just move forward.

Pretty sure this is going to sound completely retarded but when Chester died, my whole world was torn apart. yeah… a singer in a band died, and I fucking went into a depression or something. Its dumb. Or it might seem dumb if you don’t connect to music or a specific band like I do. Linkin Park has been there since I was 14. I got their first album on my 14th bday. They were who I listened to when my mother was being her typical distant self. I listened to them when my life was good, when my life was bad, or when I thought my life was bad, I listened to them while I was being self destructive, and while I was being the happiest person in the world. Every song touched me, from Hybrid Theory all the way to One More Light.

I always knew he’d go. I always knew that some day I’d wake up and he’d be dead. And I knew he’d kill himself. I heard the lyrics. I knew his pain. I felt that depression. I’ve been there. And I know I never really talked about it much on here but mostly because of the “stigma” right? Ugh What a mess.

Anyway, from now on, honesty. I mean, I’m very honest on here… but I’ve left a lot of “feelings” out of it and just story told. I used to write feelings but it seems as though once I got to know all of you, I backed up a bit. Once you became real people to me, I put some walls up. Thats not what this place is for. This is where I’m supposed to be able to scream and cry and do all those things that I hold back in real life and talk to you guys or this place about my deepest darkest things that I don’t talk about in my real life …

No more butterflies and rainbows. And I’m sorry for not being real.

Kristen <3