I'm back in New Diary

This is my first entry in a very long time. I haven’t had much to write about. I am not doing very well. Depression is back with a vengeance. I broke up with Chocolatechip yesterday. I really feel very sad and upset about this. She claimed that we never talk anymore. I beg to differ but that is her perception of things. I thin there are other things involved but I think this is the essence of her complaint against me. Needless to say Ii am very not happy with this development.

OH well I have my books. I have cable and Internet. I have a lot of things going for me. I have everything I need but people in my life. Chocolatechip was my only friend and about the only person I could trust in this apartment building. Now I have nobody. One of the things I hate most is being alone. I should be used to it because I’ve been alone with no friends for most most of my life. I don’t think I will every get used to it. It sucks big time.

Still I think I’m ready to pack it in. I feel like staying in my apartment for the duration. I will still go grocery shopping and to my doctor’s appointments. Other than that I do not have to go out or be around people at all. It hurts too much. It hurts too; much when they dump you for no good reason. It hurts too much when all people want to do is use you make fun of you and put you down all the time. I would rather put up with being along and have nobody in my life than be around toxic people. I’m too old for that shit. I am done.

I see a therapist at Healthways. My therapist claims that isolation is not good. Being alone all the time will cause serious problems. I remember him telling me that they put inmates in isolation for a few days. After a few days in isolation they come out in pretty bad shape. He also said I got develop a fear of being in open places He said that is very serious and I do not want to be in that condition. Whenever I see him he always encourages me to get out and walk around the building or sit outside.

I beg to differ. I think I will be ok being alone in my apartment. I am not completely alone . I have my books to keep me company. Books have always been my friends I love to read and getting lost in a good books keeps me from dwelling on crap. When I start ruminating about things I depression kicks in and I am in trouble. But I get lost in a good book and it is like being in a world of my own. I forget about my troubles. I forget about everything, I would rather get lost in my books than be around so many toxic people. I will be just fine so long as I have books to read.

I have some good news to report. I saw my doctor last month. I had a malignant turmor on mty lip. I had cancer. He had to have an operation to have the cancer removed. I saw him on the 19th. I am happy to report that I am cancer free. I was really worried bout having cancer. That was the best news I could have gotten. I am cancer free.

That is about it for now. I will be back latere today. If hope to keep a daily journal.