Praise for Events Happening in My Life in My Fucking Feelings

I’ve said it a hundred times and I’ll say it a hundred more. It is good to be home. Pieces are falling into place for me. God is bringing me all the things I need. All the things I asked for.

I said God I am so lonely.
He said, “Go be with people and then you will not feel alone. There are alot of people that need your help.”
I went to tea today with Beth. I got to spend time in a beautiful garden with my son playing and laughing amd some time to read books. What’s more I even got some good advice about college and some new books in my field of study. I may be learning Hebrew and Greek for free soon. I don’t feel so alone now.

I said “God give me the words to talk to my friend about religon. He pushes all religous discussion away.”
Tthe doors have opened ever so slightly into that world. I discovered he os a LaVeyan Satanist. We discussed it and we talked about historical evidence for the events discribed in the Bible before he became fruatrated and ahut me out. He said he could help me with my computer, but he’s made many empty offers like this. I know I can’t rely on him. He is very emotionally unstable amd I worry about him.

I still have not found a job. I will be helping my mom with her new daycare for the time being, but ahe cannot pay me much and I desperatly need a good steady job. I am so discouraged from looking. There are jobs out there, just not good ones. Not ones I could see myself in all the way through college. I feel as if I’ve wasted alot of time on things that do not matter. I need to focus on my education now. On the future. My mission. Helping people. Healing people. Making a difference. What better way to do that than with those that society has deamed ‘untreatable’ and ‘monsters’.

Praise to God for all of the work he is doing in my life. Such a large difference in so short a time.

I try hard to keep myself connected to those around me, but somedays I simply lack the empathy to be around people. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I focus on controlling my thoughts and behaviors. I try to communicate more effectively and positively, but sometimes I feel like a robot carrying out my duties. Helping my parents for instance. Do I want to? Not really. But I love them and they need my help so I do so without complaining no matter how riddiculous and ineffecient they are about it.

Been thinking about the husband of one of my best friends and wondering how they are doing. I should touch base with him soon. It is nice to have ‘friends’ with low empathy. I am not obligated to keep in touch or make small talk. We have no emotional attatchment and yet we can still have intelligent conversations of aome substance. How refreshing to not have to worry that he will take something I say wrong. Or that he will worry about me. Or that I might make him cry. Nothing but black and white solid facts. I think I’d like to talk to him soon. He is so opposite my Borderline friend, so easy to talk to. No mask of emotion necissary. No walking on eggshells.

There is a show being hosted this week for the boy that died. I wish I had money to donate to his family. These things always come up at a bad time. But I will at least be attending the show to say my private farewells. I wonder how many people will find me dramatic if I find myself crying over a boy I barely knew? He was a valuable person to just be gone so suddenly. I’m still a bit sad.

Going to a ‘mystery dinner’ at a churchmates house after church. (But which one?? Du du du) It should be fun. Hopefully they are prepared to host a wild toddler haha! I need to prepare a side before bed tonight.

I suppose that’s most of my thoughts for the evening. Sleep well world. Remember that God is listening even if you aren’t sure you believe in him. God loves even the most rebellious and lost of his children.