Sir Cumference, Sir Tantee, and Sir Vey fought a dragon in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Up in the Ames Office. Chinese Boss is very upset about my actions. It is so… funny? Strange? Bizarre? I know I can do this job. White Boss knows I can do this job. Chinese Assistant 1 and 2 know I can do this job. Chinese Boss is usually pretty sure I can do this job. But… when it comes to me and the Chinese Clients? Everything is awful, all hope is lost, why did they hire me? And frankly… all things considered… I agree. If you are going to have me by myself dealing with Chinese Clients; you have created a situation where I don’t speak Chinese and they don’t speak English. PLUS… if I’m in Ames… you also have me in an empty office with literally no resources. So… yeah, that is why me in the Ames Office usually goes this poorly. Because… with no Chinese Speaking staff of any kind… how is it that I’m the asshole? And with zero access to our files or case information… how am I the asshole? And this only happens when they are sending me to Ames. BEcause, somehow, they forget that I can’t speak Chinese and (somehow) they forget that since neither White Boss or Chinese Boss have been to the Ames Office (really) since 2016… the office has some considerable needs.

Truthfully? It is things like this that make me think, “Terrible as it would be, maybe I should start sending my resumes to competitors. Trying to find out if I could do Criminal, Corporate, and Family Law and leave all of the immigration and not-understanding-my-clients behind me. Of course I can’t. I have a contract and, while a contract in Iowa is always ‘at will’; I’d certainly like to respect my contract as much as possible. And what’s more… my legal resume would look terrible. One year of No Job. One year of Prosecutor. One year of Private. Then looked for a job again. This kid can’t commit to anything longer than a year!” Of course, if I end up getting fired, that won’t matter anyway. And… I’m still not entirely sure where I am on that. There was a day last week where I finally felt comfortable that… struggle or succeed, the Named Partners were very much in my favor. But… ever since then… I’ve just had this… big push back. Like… Literally, they realized I was starting to think of the Firm as a home; and they wanted to remind me “Don’t get too comfortable yet!” Which is… frankly… a little ugly… but… I can’t control how they feel about me as an employee. I can do my best, work hard, try to get clients but… this honestly is an area where I lack even the illusion of control. Work Hard. Do my Best. Get fired or not… these things happen. Hell, my father lost his job once… he’d been in the industry for decades and his bosses were young kids, new to the industry, and used his termination as a Sign Post of “new thinking.” He did alright.

My “Lunch Break”:

What does your online diary name mean, and why did you pick it?
Park Row Fall Out is a reference to Bruce Wayne’s “One Bad Day.” Bruce Wayne watched his parents die in Park Row when he was a child. Park Row came to be known as Crime Alley. And everything Bruce Wayne did (Batman, et al) was as part of the fallout of that one bad day. Park Row Fallout? The things that happen after a bad day.

When did you first get an online diary?
First on-line diary would have been sometime around when I was 15 years old. An Open Diary that I was… perhaps… a bit too open about.

Why did you first start an online diary?
I come from a long line of prolific writers. My mother’s mom had thousands of hand written journals, my father’s mother used to teach at the UI Writer Workshop. And, as my attorney cousin says, “Lawyers have a natural need to write, to express ourselves on paper. A form of communication in which the words never change but the meanings can.”

How did you find OD/Prosebox?
Found Prosebox during the mass exodus from OD. Found OD, initially, through a search of something different. I was genuinely considering if there was a psychology forum where people could write their issues and get help. The search engine kept suggesting things like Online Diaries so I just started one up to see if that would be a satisfactory equivalent.

When writing an entry, do you believe you are writing for you or the reader?
100% Both, lol.
MOST of my writing I do entirely for me. Though all of that changes constantly. A lot of my writing tends to be a survival tactic. If I stay with my emotions and don’t let them out in anyway, they begin to poison me. But I do write things to try to understand society, or myself IN society, or express ideas I would hope positively influence society… and those times I write with an audience in mind.

When writing an entry, are you completely honest?
I’m a shithead because I’ve always agreed with Obi Wan Kenobi… to an extent. Many of the truths we cling to depend largely on our point of view. If I’m writing about something, I can’t help but write it from my own perspective, viewpoint, past experiences, etcetera. And what makes all of that worse is that, since my own perspective, viewpoint, and experiences are always changing… a story or event that I say happened one way may (in the retelling) happen a different way. NOT because either version is a lie; but merely because how I perceive the memory of that event may have changed as I’ve aged. However, I do have to call out “Old Ben” on his statement. “So what I told you was true, from a certain point of view.” Obi Wan was stretching that about as far as it could go! “He betrayed and murdered your father” is more of a lie… because “he betrayed” doesn’t quite work. I do believe Obi Wan would have been right (from a certain point of view) if he had simply said “He murdered your father.”

Describe your writing setting:
Bah. Typical Preferred: Desktop Computer at a Home Office Setting. Constant Present: Laptop Computer at the Office

Is anyone that you know (in real life) allowed to read your diary?
Not that I know of. I do know someone in real life that has a Prosebox account… but as he hasn’t shared that information with me nor has he invited me to read… I respect his privacy and don’t read it. Don’t know if that is “doing the right thing” or if it honestly doesn’t even matter.

Do you know anyone in real life with a diary, which you are allowed to read?
Ooops, kind of answered this one already.

Has anyone found your diary that you really didn’t want to find it?
Not to my recollection. Though with all of these types of questions I’m limiting it to this Prosebox Space

Do you believe writing in your online diary is therapeutic?
I hope so. I have read the studies that suggest writing it down can make it worse, more concrete and more foreboding; but… even if that were the case, I’d still have to write. It’s a need.

How many entries do you have?
An abundance

Do you have any entries that are private?
A few. I honestly don’t like making them private because I feel like it somehow legitimizes what I’m trying to do. That… if I want to be the person I want to be… I need to be more willing to face things and face being called out for things. But… there are some things that.... maybe I’m not ready to deal with

How many favorites do you have?
Don’t know. The list kind of ebbs and flows. I view this as a participatory process so if I haven’t noted, haven’t received a note, and/or haven’t read in a long time… or conversely someone new notes, or I note someone new, or I get caught up in reading someone else’ work.

Do you know who your first favorite was?
Damn, I don’t actually. Even worse, I don’t know if I still read them/they still read me. But… since I don’t know who it is, I suppose that goes without saying.

Have you ever written an entry while too intoxicated?
Maybe? Perhaps? It is entirely possible. But typically, I don’t get super intoxicated (at all but) in private and I don’t like writing PB when I have guests or even my wife in the same room

Do you feel accepted by the diary community?
It may be in my head but… I always feel both ways in any acceptance discussion. I always feel that I am accepted, and unaccepted. It’s a weird feeling.

Have you secretly fell in love (or had a crush on) a diarist?
Not really. There are a lot of people I’ve read on here and thought “Holy shit, why aren’t we hanging out! Stupid… spatial physics.” There also have been a few diarists that I’ve read and thought… fuck, if only I could get some of their thoughts into Wife’s head.

Have you ever read an entry that really moved you? What was it about?
Often but far less these last few years. Which I admit is totally on me.

Has anyone written an entry that made you cry?
Yes, actually. I remember a few times that happening.

What are your favorite kinds of entries to read?
Personal or Thoughtful. I’m always going to want to go for the throat on stuff. Give me your darkest desires, your deepest secrets, your most personal moments… or challenge me intellectually, teach me something new, help me see the world from a different point of view!

After writing an entry, how long do you wait to see if you have comments?
Immediately. Because I am a needy, needy little Sponge Bob. But really… I check constantly throughout the day/evening these days. Admittedly, when I was less isolated it would just be once or twice a day. But… yeah. I’m desperate for stimulating conversation

If you don’t have comments, do you feel let down?
Typically depends on the entry. When I’m writing an entry that specifically tries to describe something or asks for input… an entry where I’m trying to step outside of my own perspective… yeah, I feel let down. Because how can I become a better person if the only viewpoint I ever experience is my own? On other entries? Sometimes. Depends on the day.

How many comments do you usually get?
SUPER depends on the entry. A “here’s my day” may get zero to three comments. A “challenge the zietgeist” entry can get many many more

Did you know the more comments you leave, the more notes you get?
It makes a kind of logical sense, but I feel like the advice works best for new readers. The old fishing analogy about “more lures in the water”

Do you delete mean or nasty comments?
I don’t believe I have ever deleted a note or comment. But, as I am not certain, I can’t say that with confidence. I try my best not to delete notes or comments because even negative statements should make me think, reconsider, evaluate, and decide.

Have you ever left a nasty comment and not signed your name?
Rarely if ever. If I ever have, the situation would have to be one in which the individual I was commenting on was particularly nasty and brutish, a troll, in the original post.

Have you ever left a comment on a person’s diary just to make them feel better?
Suspicious question “just to make them feel better”. Therefore, I will practice a good “expert witness” trick… answer a different question that is close enough to the question asked as to not be objectionable. To which I’ll say… I often try to leave encouraging notes, but it is because I genuinely feel sorry for someone’s loss, or because I honestly want things to get better for that person. Typically, I’ll only leave a note like that if I’m very sincere.

Do you keep a paper copy of your online diary?
No. First, I’m shit with paper. I make notes of things and then never use that paper again. Second, it is a security risk. Not that I’m some super important CIA operative or something but… seriously… I learned in HS… never leave a trace of something that you don’t want to take credit for.

Do you go back and re-read your past entries?
Not usually. I want to leave things as they are because I worry re-reading too much will simply bring back those bad memories or feelings. But I do re-read entries from the day before to see what I still need to do for the day.

What’s the most interesting thing you can think of about OpenDiary/PB?
It is the place to gain new perspectives. Seriously, this place has opened my eyes to SO many different lifestyles that exist and should be appreciated. I had never known true, selecting which child to feed, poverty… until someone on PB described it. So the next year, when people were complaining about Min Wage Issues… I understood. I got it. I had never known a world without pain, physical or mental, and couldn’t understand why people thought I was so… depressing and dour. As I read and experience other viewpoints… I get it. That is what is most valuable to me about this place. I may never change who I am or how I am. And in a lot of ways, that is very sad for me. But it is important to me to try to understand other viewpoints, other perspectives, other ways of thinking and living. I may never be who I want to be… but I don’t have to be stuck as always being the person I was.