30 January 2014 in Melbourne Diaries

After a few weeks of deceptive tedium, work has suddenly gotten very stressful again. Without disclosing too much, some self-proclaimed genius in another agency has decided to restructure us radically, most likely deleting the seven person governing board. This has been proposed very incompetently, by people with no clue, and with no consultation at all. The inability of the people in control of our jobs to grasp even basic legal and policy concepts is an ongoing source of frustration to me. I am in the position of potentially having to announce tomorrow or next week to seven senior people that they will likely lose their jobs, and I will not be able to tell them why this is happening. The alternative to me losing my own job months down the track is to go back to Canberra, and the atmosphere seems so abysmal here (believe it or not, I'm in the happy work environment) that I am loathe to return there.

My 37th birthday came and went last week, largely hidden from public view (only my relatives and a couple of friends were involved in any way). Frankly, I'm a bit of a mess about it, not liking being middle aged, injured and without the marriage, kids and relative security I thought would be well entrenched by the time I was 37. Sure, things are okay now - I live in a nice area, work on the 46th floor of a skyscraper, I have alright wages, and I won't ever starve, but I'm also a knot of anxieties as far as work goes, rarely sleep well at night, and by and largely feel like a totally old failure no matter what is achieved. (Then I look at the people who are 'happily married' and with steady jobs and count my blessings) There was a line in the film 'Her', which I saw over the weekend, which went something like "Is everything I feel from now on going to be a lesser version of something I've felt before?" I really feel like this is the way it's going to be from now on. I suspect that whatever relationships I have will be an act of middle-aged compromise of the type I would have never contemplated when younger. [Lauren, my long term ex-girlfriend-then-occasional-lover-for-over-a-decade-and-a-bit getting married late last year hasn't helped these sentiments] I'm too old for a radical career change, and my job (which, in terms of the type of work I do, is interesting and enjoyable) seems threatened from forces beyond my control on a weekly basis and the prospect of promotion for anyone in the Commonwealth public service is laughable until a new government comes in. I'm still relatively fit and in good health, but not in the way I used to be (10k runs rather than 10 miles), and the nomadic travel adventures I've set down in my OD diary may have reached their used by date. And I barely seem to meet anyone socially these days outside long work hours and exhausted weekends. Yeah, a 37th birthday could have come at a better time. [This should really be a friends-only entry, as it is glummer than usual, but I don't know how to activate that feature on this site]

Taking stock, this has got to be the year when things are different. I just hope there is enough in me left to make a change.