It's more clear now. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so BD has been back since last month. We have hung out a couple of times since last Monday. Basically, he’s still in the same spot as he always was. He still doesn’t have a job, car, or a stable place to live. He’s mentioned moving in and being a SAHD and that’s just not going to fly with me. I don’t make enough money to support 3 people and I won’t even attempt it just to have him around.

He did come to my ultrasound on Tuesday. I had showed him pictures and he cried. I know that he does care and his heart is in the right place but is still very much full of excuses and wanting to blame me for his short comings.

We were to hang out last night and he fucked that up so I blocked him and he’s back to messaging my friend again. I just don’t think that any of this shit is going to become real to him until he gets served with CS paperwork. I showed him the baby room and he mentioned how he felt like an asshole but then just a couple of nights later asked me for money. Yes, you read that correctly. This bitch had the fucking nerve to ask me for money?! Like what in the actual fuck is wrong with him.

Work was very decent this week and I’m happy with what I’ve made. I got in a few extra hours and made $100 or close to it twice this week. I have to work Monday which really sucks but I’m off Thursday. I didn’t wear socks a couple of times this week and a blister started on my right foot so my friend suggested Neosporin which has gotten rid of the pain. i was so happy I was able to walk without dying tonight. It’s been super hot the past couple of days so I’ve made sure to drink a shit load of water.

I saw my Mom at the store last Sunday. She managed to piss me off pretty good and remind me as to why I wrote her off. She was just rude, nasty, and super argumentative. I just don’t think she understands that I don’t have to put up with her shit and I won’t. I don’t have anything to do with my family at this point because I don’t like being angry.

My nurse has gotten me into this place that could help me get back into school where I wouldn’t have to work or work a lot because they would give me a stipend so I’ve been thinking about that. I have a really nice lady I’ve met with a couple of times that is very sweet, caring, and is able to attend ultrasounds and even be at the birth. I met with her on Thursday and she actually bought me some stuff for the baby. She gave me this really cute bag with a little dress, some diapers, and some other little things. I really do appreciate it because no one has really done anything for my child so it makes me glad that my kid is important to at least a couple of people ya know.

Ugh, I’m glad I’m about done working soon because my pelvis is giving me a lot of problems and makes walking very painful. My inner thigh muscles hurt so I’ve been doing some stretching which helps but I’m seriously sick of it. The heat is also intolerable at this point. I literally dread going outside and working because I’m so uncomfortable and all I do is sweat. I get that I’m sweating for two but holy cow, I never thought it could be this bad. I honestly smell bad all the time and constantly spray on perfume. I shower everyday but know that when I’m off work, I don’t smell the greatest.

I have about 6 weeks left of my pregnancy but I just know she’s going to come early. I just have a feeling. I’m planning on going taking my maternity leave at the beginning of July because of the heat, not sure how much more pain I’ll be in by then, and because I’m too scared of risking going into labor and not be able to get to the hospital right away. I am so fucking glad I have EVERYTHING I need for the baby, I’ve saved money, and I’ll be in a good place to take time off work. I know that I definitely want to get back to work before I’m completely broke but I have enough in the bank where my bills would be covered for about 3 months.

The manager that's been a headache for me the entire time I've been pregnant is finally quitting. His last day is tomorrow so that means when I start my work week, that fucker isn't going to be there anymore!!! He was the one that flipped out on me numerous times one day, has given me shit about taking 6 weeks off for maternity leave, and finds every reason possible to be a fucking asshole. The guy has had his going points too where he's fucking hilarious and everything but he was also part of the reason I quit working day shift. I just couldn't stand how my whole day revolved around his roller coaster moods and if he was pissed off, we wouldn't get breaks or be able to eat and I just couldn't tolerate being hungry while pregnant because he was in a bad mood.

Anyways, as far as BD goes, I know that shit is never going to change but I do hope once baby is born, it will light a fire in him to change. I definitely don’t want to be a single Mom if he’s trying and everything but I have a lot of concerns. I just don’t know what the fuck this guy wants for his life other than me to just let him live off me, not pay CS, not help pay bills and just sit around running up my utilities and eating my food. It’s not my job to take care of him because he can’t/won’t take care of himself. I just couldn’t imagine not having any stability in my life and can’t wrap my head around why he lives like that.

It’s just annoying how he always talks about his knee/shoulder hurting but yet won’t go to the Dr and get seen for it. It also makes me mad how he refuses to work fast food because ‘it wouldn’t help anyway’ well ya know what, you do what you have to for the sake of your children and a paycheck is better than no paycheck. I become furious with people who are all about excuses instead of finding solutions. I don’t get to have excuses. IF I don’t work, I don’t get paid so it’s just not okay that this person has left me to figure it all out and obviously doesn’t care because he’s still not doing anything to better his situation for his sake or for the the baby.

It’s just so hard for me to accept that this is the person who fathered my child. I know he has no real intent to ever help with her and has even said he’ll have his Mom or brother watch her. Well, that’s not going to work because I don’t know them and this is his child, not theirs. Plus, if he’s not working, then why the fuck can’t he watch her?! I’ve even told him that I already have daycare lined up. I am not going to leave my child with his family for numerous reasons. I just don’t feel comfortable with it after the shitty things his Mother has said and I don’t want to burden people.

Ugh, it’s super early in the morning and I need to get my ass to bed. I wanted to go buy groceries tonight but I didn’t get off until super late and was too tired so I’m gonna tomorrow sometime.

More tomorrow.