Tick Tick in my Brain in My Fucking Feelings

Every day,
Thoughts of you,
I push them away.

No matter how hard I push,
These thoughts intercede.

I know I have a long wait ahead of me.
I just wish sometimes,
That I really knew,
What I am waiting for.

I work on me.
Starting college,
Trying to occupy my mind.
Yet…
You always return.

The way your arms feel around me.
The way you used to smile.
Will I ever see that smile again?
So distant.
I’m so unsure.

I struggle on.
Feel alone.
My mind keeps breaking,
And out you seep from the cracks.

How many people have asked,
When I come back, ‘Who’s Jake? Are you okay? You are crying.’ How many people know the thoughts
I try not to say?

My whole life,
Since that day,
unconciously mumbling:
Im sorry. Don’t go. I love you. I miss you.
I didn’t mean it.
What I said that day.
But time tears it away.
And what can I do now?
Just wait.
We will see,
What is our fate.