Regrets, Focus in My Fucking Feelings

It’s 5am. I’ve been awakw all night thinking of all the things I’ve done or said to hurt you. Thinking of how I will ever make them up to you. Wishing I had understood you then. I thought you were cruel. I thought you were creepy. Now I see that despite your sadism and your creepy stalker ways you were always trying to help me. You tried to be the very best friend you could be. You went so far out of your way. I didn’t understand. Now it’s too late. What I would give to go back and take back those few minutes when you cried.

I’d tell you that you were beautiful. I’d tell you how I really felt. I’d let you into my life and maybe you would have never left. But everything happens for a reason. Maybe I never could have understood then what I do now. Maybe I had to go through all the bad to get here. I still don’t know how to fix it. All the old wounds from words spoken and misunderstood. God give me a way to fix it all. How many nights of sleep will I lose crying alone? This is riddiculous. I so badly just want my old friend J back.

I must think of other things. My child and I will be visiting a new school for him tomorrow. His daycare is closing. I’m almost relieved. He didn’t start acting up until that new teacher came along. I wonder if she did something? I’d like to beat her. I should calm those angry thoughts. It’s hard to when my child is involved. The sooner he switches schools the better.

Focus.
I can’t focus on anything.
Time to go back to therapy I think.
Hopefully I can find a decent doctor who accepts my insurance.
Need to focus.
Need energy.
Need sleep.
I sometimes just wish my brain were normal. Not sure I trust pills. But that’s a long subject for another day.