writing prompt: what did you spend it on? in poetry

What did I spend it on

a year and a half in New York City
hanging out at protests and art classes
studying under buskers and street preachers
never accomplishing anything
learning what it was like to
be in a place that never stopped moving
even at four in the morning
just like my mind

What did I spend it on

seven years in Angeles
learning what it it’s like to be
laid off by your hero as a kid
what it’s like to burn asphalt
transporting blood semen and piss
all across Los Angeles
wanting to stop my brother’s seizures
learning what it’s like
to be full of ideas but
totally powerless
just like my mind

What did I spend it on

four years in Syracuse
mostly making friends and learning to wash my own clothes
fifteen years later I still owe
around fifteen grand to them in loans
a wealth of little things learned
none of them applicable to work
just like my mind

What did I spend it on

a single drawer in a dresser in my parents’ house
filled with all the posters and flyers and handbills
and lanyards and press clippings and programmes and
wrist bands off all the little amazing things
I’ve ever been involved in that
never made me more than a couple of dollars but
gave me this torrent of joy that
cannot be expressed in a bank account or credit score
just like my mind!

What did I spend it on?

A lesson in knowing that people who brag
how they have “no regrets”
must be the most uninteresting unchallenged bastards in the world because
the only way to not have regrets is
to have known exactly what you want always
to have known exactly how to get it always
to have walked that single unchanging path always
I have regrets, oh brother, oh sister, do I have regrets
I have regrets because I didn’t have a goddamned clue
I chased my heart and my soul’s desires at the time and
I slammed into walls like some dumb great dane chasing a ball
do I have regrets?
I have more regrets than the stars out there in the nightsky!
and I cherish them all
just like my mind

What did I spend it on?

A lesson in knowing that people who brag
how they have “no fear”
must be the loneliest saddest motherfuckers in the world because
the only way to not have any fear is
to not have anything in your life worth holding onto!
to not have anything in your life worth keeping around!
because that’s what fear’s all about in this life
the possibility of losing amazing things and
I’m afraid all the time because
I’ve seen so many amazing things
I’ve known so many amazing people
I have so many things to fear losing
I have more fears than I have total breaths and heartbeats in my lifetime!
I don’t want to lose them
just like my mind

What did I spend it on?

the few women who were my lovers and
a lot more who would have been, I suppose
if I had been one of those people who
could just take chances without thinking and
worry about if anyone got hurt later
even then I still spent it on them
even when they didn’t know it
because it’s all I knew how to do
that’s what I spent it on
that’s what I continue to spend it on because
with all of my fears and all of my years
with all the regret the years have beget
I don’t hear the fat lady singing yet
really, that’s what I spent it on
I bribed the fat lady to not sing for years yet
so there’s a whole lot more than anyone thinks left
just like my mind

Last updated May 25, 2017