I Get It... in meh...

I understand that when you feel drawn to do something, you change a bit to pursue what it is you do. When you change, the way people interact with you changes. As much as they love you and want to be there for you and around you, sometimes walking away is necessary. That’s growth.

I get that.

A cousin, that I think I’ve mentioned before, has gone big into “activism”. I put that in quotes because she’s no longer on the frontlines since getting arrested once and has become a keyboard activist. She is into her music now, performs around town with people, it’s great. But she’s angry. And I get her anger and I get the reason for the activism.

I feel it, but I have so much of my own sadness, anger, and fight.

A lot of people in this fight are Christian or have a belief in one religion or another. I’m one of the people that Bob Marley sang about in Redemption Song: ♪♪How long will they kill our prophets while we stand aside and look? Some say it’s just a part of it. We’ve got to fulfill the Book.♪♪

I think this is what helps me get along. If we are believers in God the father and followers of Christ, and the bible already tells us what the end result is going to be, why don’t we just pray that whatever goes down that we are protected? Pray for our families and loved ones.

Again, I do get the reason and need for activism and again, perhaps I’m selfish in my older age. I don’t want to be bogged down or to feel any more helpless than I do.

All of this was just to say that even though I deal with this cousin in doses, I do love her, but it’s hard to talk to her. Every thing is political, every thing shows “microaggresion” (that’s the new word on the activism streets these days) and everything is racial. That may be true, but not every little thing.

I don’t look for the bad in stuff just so I can go off about it. My life has been wasted on bad and sad and mad. I’m done.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t see things for what they are. What it does mean is that I pick and choose when to hold my peace and when to fight.

Oh, I don’t know…

My thoughts are erratic these days. For the past few weeks, I’ve been…in a mood (as if one can’t tell) I don’t Facebook much and Twitter (which was my real outlet) isn’t like it use to be for me. Mainly ever since my work browser needed upgrading.

Been thinking about my weight and how I need not to be like this, but constantly not having ANY motivation.

Thought about how I was supposed to officially walk across the stage and graduate this past Sunday and how Mother’s Day was like any other day. About how I need to get money so I can send my grandson to summer camp. About how I’m scared to job hunt because for some reason I feel this ridiculous loyalty to this place. I think it’s just that I like the way my vacation accrues. The only thing I can brag about is that I’ve reached my max of 300hrs of vacation. Also afraid of the unfamiliar but I have to take a risk or I’m paying back student loans for nothing. That would piss me off.

::breathe in/breathe out::

Yup.

Kindest regards,
Sister