Unhidden in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

The repetition of my life is a little bit more frayed at the edges than was visible prior to my grandmother’s death. And yes, I say death. My mother is saying all kinds of softer words, and I know that’s because she’s trying to soften the blow, but I can’t really find myself diminishing its impact on me by saying “she transitioned” or “she moved on to another place”. She is not here any longer.

Saturday at midnight, my little brother Cameron turned 21. He was being very non-committal about letting me take him out. I don’t think it’s really dawned on either him or Chuckie that they are basically all I have left… and maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be because that realization shouldn’t shackle the young.

I ended up going out with him and his co-workers the midnight of his birthday because my parents were taking him (and only him, Chuckie and I weren’t invited) out of town to Nevada for his birthday. I say “his” co-workers because they were mine just two months ago but no longer. I find it amusing because since I left I’ve heard mixed responses regarding my absence. Management seems to think it’s great that I’m no longer there, but those who aren’t in management seem to think there’s a void. That’s good, I like to think my presence had a “power to the people” butterfly effect.

We went to where they wanted to take him which is where I used to hang out when I was spending time with Kevin and Loco (who unceremoniously dumped Crystal with no explanation. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I’m glad I didn’t get more involved in that situation). I was bored of the place from the moment I got there. The new bartender had no idea what she was doing. How do you fuck up a gin and tonic? Well, she managed it.

Afterward, I took them all to my bar that I’ve been going to for years. I announced Cameron and a few of them said, “I thought he was like 14” to which I replied, “He was when I first started coming here!” A very beautiful girl quietly bought Cameron his first drink. As I approached the girl, I realized that her beauty was like that of the character Adele in Blue Is the Warmest Color. She was adorned very minimally but had a beauty that projected out of her. It was startling that I noticed it.

Cameron had a lot to drink, but wasn’t drunk. He didn’t drink much before so I actually attribute it to his size… he was always gargantuan. Cameron mingled well, which was something I worried about because although he has a very sly humor he has a tendency to remain taciturn in large crowds (I suppose I am similar especially when surrounded by strangers).

I got sidetracked by a guy. I can’t remember how we got into the conversation but he started telling me about his bisexuality. He was talking rather loudly and I was slowly trying to herd him to a more secluded part of the bar since this area can still be unkind to those who don’t follow the “boy/girl” rules. Somehow, he was talking about how sexy I am. He started rubbing my chin, saying he usually likes girly men but I really turned him on.

I’ve written ad nauseum about my conflicting feelings about my presentation of my own feminine side so I won’t exactly have to explain how that sent my mind down a little rabbit hole of thought.

In the middle of processing this, he said, “Here comes my girlfriend.” I was surprised to see the young lady that bought Cameron his first drink. When I saw them standing together, I organically understood that they were a couple and that she knew everything. She draped one hand over his shoulder as he continued on his determined list of things about me that attracted him.

As he mentioned one abstract thing after another she started nodding. I noticed Cameron glance my way and I saw surprise on his face when he saw who I was talking to.

The thing I realized as I talked with both of them (once the conversation finally drifted away from me), I was attracted to them. Both of them. I felt like this was an interesting tension within myself. So I exchanged numbers with her and each of us sailed off into the night.

Cameron was very amused that on his birthday, I’m the one who gets hit on and a phone number… from a girl, no less.

The next day, I was house sitting at the house I first lived in when I moved back from college. I invited Eric over to lounge by the pool and caught him up on everything that happened… he hadn’t heard about my grandmother since I’d gone into isolation. He had a date but we were going to meet up later where his dad’s band was playing.

I fell asleep and woke up later than I’d expected. I got to the bar and Eric was nowhere to be found, even though the band was still playing. I wasn’t going to pay the cover for that so I headed to the bar I was at the night before. I just wanted a quick drink.

Just after I got there, my friend/former co-worker showed up. He hadn’t been there the night before for Cameron’s birthday mainly because he was more my friend at work than Cameron’s. He showed up with some other people from work that I hadn’t seen in a while… but I did a double-take when I saw who was with them.

I spotted him from across the bar. Even far away, I knew it was him. I zoned out while my friend was talking trying to figure out what circumstances would’ve brought this guy so far out of the sphere in which I last encountered him. Let me explain....

It was a rather infamous night three years ago. I had just started back at university and was overwhelmed by my classes. I’d moved out of LA proper into a suburb closer to my school, but I missed my LA hedonism. I was friends with Billy Francesca and Detox who invited me to a party night they were appearing at in West Hollywood. Detox and Billy sat me in the VIP area with Chris Salvatore and Chris Crocker (both whom irritated me with all their talk about bullshit Hollywood stuff). I left the VIP area and went to the smoker’s patio. I was standing there smoking when this guy came up to me and asked for a cigarette.

He was handsome but I didn’t think anything of it. We started talking about simple things. He asked me about school. We discussed his bisexuality. Then he mentioned that he did porn. Now, in Los Angeles, you can’t swing your dick around without meeting someone who has done porn once or twice. I’ve met many people who’ve done porn before… this guy, however, was the first porn star I ever met. He actually told me his real name, and I had no idea who he was as we chatted.

Our conversation about random stuff was interrupted when Billy came up and told him that Detox was announcing him and he needed to get on stage. He left and I saw him.... in his underwear on the stage. He smiled at me and I just laughed. Billy asked me what that was about and when I told him he just rolled his eyes… He always seemed to think of me as a kind of Ellie May Clampitt.

Afterwards, the porn star came back and chatted with me for a few more minutes. We were getting mobbed and so we took a picture, exchanged numbers and he invited me to grab coffee sometime that week before he headed back to San Francisco. I didn’t think too much of it.

There were other things going on that night. In the end, I woke up in a stranger’s bed on the other side of LA with no idea how I got there (I ended up leaving my passport at his house and had to come back like a week later) and once I got to school, I opened my trunk to find a brand new Playstation and a bunch of video games that I somehow acquired in the middle of the night. My run-in with the porn star was a fun little quirk of the evening, nothing more.

Well, there was the porn star sauntering into my local bar with a former manager at my former employer. I kept thinking I was hallucinating. We kept making eye contact. I look much different now than I did then (if you find the picture of us from that night on my Facebook page, you’ll realize it… I had short hair and a full beard) so I assumed he was just trying to file through the memory bank in his head… or he was trying to figure out why I kept looking at him.

I asked my friend who the people were with the old manager and he told me it was his girlfriend and her cousin. Her cousin? I noticed that his clothes were very expensive. The shirt was at least $100 and the joggers he wore retailed for about $220. His shoes were unassuming but I noticed the Varvatos name on them. His face was a little older but still framed by those eyes. I asked the bartender about him and it turned out all those years ago he had given me his real name.

Still, I was very confused as to how Marcus Mojo (not his real name) ended up in this bar in a suburb of Sacramento so far flung from the last time I saw him.

I was outside smoking when he came out with the manager and his girlfriend. I figured out that they were just in the bar to have a quick drink while buying drugs. As I was sitting there, stealthily observing as the manager and the girlfriend left him alone on the patio, a woman with a Fran Drescher voice came up to my table and started making some silly comments about how I looked like a rockstar and something else. He looked my way and started chuckling, and that’s when I saw recognition dawn on his face.

He turned and looked me full in the face and mouthed, “I know you, don’t I?” I just nodded, “Good to see you. You look good.” At that moment, the girlfriend and the manager returned, he downed his beer and they all shuffled off into whatever expensive sports car the manager drove.

Fran Drescher sat down and as irritating as the was, I appreciated her for being a catalyst.

I know this sounds silly but I believe in signs and that there are no stronger signs than people. I’d been thinking about that conversation since the night before because the thing that I’d always remember most about my conversation with him was his explanation of his bisexuality. It was very eloquent and ultimately summed up with, “Why should I spend time trying to figure out why I’m attracted to someone… especially someone who is attracted to me too? I should be thankful and go with it!”

He was actually much more eloquent in person and I’m sure I’m not making him seem his best, but it was a positive experience… both times. If the couple calls me, I’m going to take the porn star’s advice and go for it. There are so many questions I’ve left unanswered, and I don’t necessarily needs answers, but I need to get rid of the need for a question. I had placed limitations on myself for reasons that are obscured by the spectre of my grandmother, but that is no longer a concern.

So now I have no idea what this means, and I think I’m okay with that.

Last updated June 30, 2017