Dead end. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so he finally wrote my friend back yesterday and basically, there’s no way to have any kind of contact with his Mother. He’s still being super difficult and doesn’t want to even attempt to make this shit work.

My biggest thing is I just want to know in my heart that I tried for him to have involvement for my own peace of mind and so he can’t say later on that he wasn’t allowed to come around. Even with a RO, I’ve had my friend try to get him to come to an ultraound and there’s been talk of him attending the birth but he’s not willing to do anything because he’d rather hide behind the RO because it’s a good goddamn reason to not be involved. I think he believes that if he brings it up enough that I’ll just go get it dropped but I can’t do that because there’s still no proof of him getting help and I’m too worried about my safety.

As much as he thinks he’s hurting me by not being involved, he’s the one that’s going to suffer at the end of the day. It’s not me missing out, it’s him. I also find it bullshit that I’m supposed to be trusting enough to have my friend send him pictures but he’s not trusting enough to send proof of him getting mental help. I know that I shouldn’t have had my friend attempt to get him to come to an ultrasound but it’s really hard on me to go through all of this shit by myself too.

I think as much as he claims he wants to be there, it’s still nothing more than a game to him. It’s a game that I’m losing and my daughter is going to lose as well. Again, I’m sorry that I ever got involved with this guy in the first place but I just have to make the best of my situation and keep moving forward.

Lately I’ve been questioning my decision to get the RO but even without it, I feel that he’d still find some reason to not be around. I think he’s still struggling with knowing he’s going to be a Dad and doesn’t really want the responsibility. He’s told my friend that he’s not going to pay CS but would rather be off grid, living under a fucking bridge. He already hasn’t done anything for this situation and hearing that shit makes me glad that I don’t need him for anything or else I’d be fucked and my child wouldn’t have anything.

His Mom has bought a car seat and a supposed crib but there’s no way to get this stuff because he won’t be around me and I’m not willing to be around her because I don’t know her and she hasn’t said the nicest things so I’ll just buy my own damn shit. I’d prefer that anyway because I don’t want anything thrown in my face. I mean yeah it’s not really fair that I’ve already bought so much without his help but I’d rather just get the car seat and crib on my own instead of them holding it over my head too.

This continues to be a very volatile situation and is probably going to remain that way. As much as I haven’t cared lately, once I saw that they had purchased a car seat, I was really hoping that meant things could possibly be moving in the right direction but I was fucking wrong. I just need to accept what it is and let it go. He’s still just too damn argumentative with my friend and really doesn’t get where I’m coming from and doesn’t have the maturity to grasp that I don’t have to deal with him and I’ve tried for the baby’s sake but I refuse to keep wasting my time with this.

I’ve now entered my 7th month and still need to pack my hospital bag. Everything else is done besides buying the car seat. I’m hoping to make enough this week so that I can. It sucks knowing that someone has one for me but there’s no way to get it where I wouldn’t have to worry about it being held over my head or being super uncomfortable to fucking get it. Him and his Mother have done nothing but prove to be extremely difficult and crazy so it’s in my best interest to just fucking leave it be.

It’s just so crazy to be having a baby with someone like this. Sometimes I think about it and wonder what the future is going to be like. I definitely don’t want to be a single Mom, but I’m also really worried about them making life miserable for me too. I just hope someday we can reach a good place for my child and if not, then the RO stays as is and if he wants to see her, he can take my ass to court.

All I know is I need the drama to stop. Now that I’m 2 months from my due date, I don’t want to worry about added stress because of the concern of pre-term labor. It’s just bullshit how much this guy has fucking put me through and obviously there’s no end in sight. I continue to pray for him and wish the best for him but deep down, I really hope he just fucking goes away. It’s going to be hard enough raising a child without help that I’m not going to deal with added stress and drama from him either.

I was foolish to think that maybe someday this could have a really good ending because I know in my heart, it’s never going to happen. I seriously think he’s going to keep trying to make things completely difficult until I finally fucking snap. I just want him to leave my friend alone and go away because obviously this shit is STILL NOT GETTING ANYWHERE!!! He doesn’t want it to work and that’s why it’s not. I feel that I’ve done what I could from my end and I’m still made out to be the fucking bad guy.

Anyways, it’s super early here because I slept way too much yesterday but I need to lay down because my back is breaking sitting up. More later.