OUCH in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

I never NEVER NEVER thought I would say this: but I’m starting to think that moving was a mistake.

Last night, my body was trashed. I felt like I was severely broken. I couldn’t get to sleep and I couldn’t stay asleep because I was in that much pain. THEN out of sheer exhaustion, I was able to sleep. And slept through all 3 of my alarms. Woke up at 10:00 feeling just as broken; just as pained. Boss texts me; not happy that I’m late. I get in and both Chinese Boss and White Boss look completely exhausted. So… yeah… any “I need sleep, sorry” isn’t going to fly.

I get to work immediately. I’m answering phone calls, I’m writing reports, I’m doing my job. Work straight through with no breaks from 11am to 1:30 pm. And that whole experience equals… 1 hour of billable work. Meanwhile, my body is trembling due to the physical pain and I know that especially since I didn’t get in today until 11, I’ll be expected to stay here until 7 or later.

What I want most in the world right now is to go to my parents’ place; curl up on the floor with the dog; and just… not exist for a few days.

SNIPPITS FROM A “Cry for Help” I sent my parents:

Wow, I never thought I’d say this… but I am really starting to think that moving was a mistake. :(

Yes, we were lonely as hell with nothing to do. But seriously… the work? Yesterday I was in the office or doing business errands in Ames until 7 pm. It was a long and very physically painful day. Where I only got 3 billable hours. In order to earn $30,000 a year… I need to average 4.2 billable hours every day. In order to earn what I made in Tiny Town… I need to average 8.4 billable hours per day. And if, working 11 hour days is giving me 3 billable hours? How in the hell is this going to work?

But it is worse. There are still a huge number of issues between the firm and myself and (1) it is always my fault because I am the new hire; (2) nothing I do can ingratiate myself. My fault. I’m not paying enough attention. I’m not working hard enough.

Today, totally my fault sincerely, because of how much physical pain I’m in due to working 10 to 12 hour days… I slept through every single alarm I set (I set 3). So, getting to work late just proves to them that, yes… I am the lazy, unprofessional, not hard working attorney. But I throw myself into the work to prove that yes I can do this lawyer thing. I work a solid 3 hours without a break; making phone calls, filing paperwork, updating schedules. First of all, 3 hours of work only amounted to a single billable hour. I can’t… I’m just… especially when I’m already exhausted and in pain… seeing that 3 hours of my work is only worth 1 hour of pay… that hits me hard… like… “wasting my life” hard. And then even that hour of work I “actually” did? Not good enough.

I just… I’m draining myself. Exhaustion constantly for zero professional respect, no insurance, and $30,000 a year (thank god for that contracted 2500 a month).......

I just feel like I’m in some kind of terrible position. Wife (wisely) reminds me that we were planning to move back here whether we had jobs or not; so I shouldn’t feel so bad about leaving Tiny Town. But this job… at least so far… if life is going to be “Work until you collapse” while simultaneously being “Get paid like you did at Best Buy”… I’d rather go back to Best Buy. But… I feel like I’m in a weird “relationship” kind of position here. They hired me, and rely on me to be here and do my best. My best isn’t good enough, but they still need me here and rely on me to work my cases and their issues. I clearly need physical aid and (probably) some much needed therapy (to deal with the emotional side of constant pain) but… if I have to work 11 hour days… it just feels like an impossible position. And right now what I want most is to come home (parents place) and just curl up on the floor with the dog watching TV.

I don’t know what I’m going to do. And with pain and pay like this? I’m increasingly uncertain that I should be a lawyer. But even there… I don’t know what else I would do.