DONE! in Since OD is shutting down....

OK so I had a pretty decent week, except for yesterday. We were supposed to take LO to the circus and my brother sabotaged it, at least for me. He had known about this for over a week and then yesterday about an hour before we were to be there, messages me saying he didn’t have the money to go meaning he wanted me to pay for him. Then, it turned into her grampa was going to come see her. Then he told me to just go down there and find a place to park and then wait for them. It was 90 yesterday and apparently wanted me to just sit in my car with the A/C running for at least 45 minutes until they showed up. I decided to just quit responding before I lost my shit.

I was able to get a little plastic dresser for my daughters clothes so I spent the day organizing her room and doing her laundry. I got everything done except folding and putting some more clothes away. The room looks a thousand times better than it did and I’m super proud of it. I spent most of the day just cleaning, vacuuming, and organizing. I was upset that I didn’t get to be at the circus with my niece but I’m sick of being expected to jump through hurdles to be a part of her life.

Her Mom yet again had plenty of negative/disrespectful things to say to me and even my niece said that I needed to get a Dad for her and how she isn’t going to have a ‘real’ family. All of this was extremely hurtful and let me know that they are obviously talking about me in front of her. I feel that they spend way too much time worrying about my situation especially considering the fact that they don’t give a fuck and they aren’t going to help in any type of way. I’m just sick of how much shit I’m supposed to take all for their child. It’s just not worth it and after yesterday, I plan to completely leave it alone at least until after my daughter is born.

I’m honestly more angry than hurt at this point and I think it’s helpful in aiding me just letting it be. I think I’m one of those people that I have to be hurt enough for it to sink in that things aren’t going to work out like they should. My brother at least brought the little dresser in for me after he was trying to get me to buy him shit at the store. I also brought them pizza Saturday night as well. It’s like if I’m not doing shit for them or spending money on them, they make things way more difficult than they should be.

My cat had her kittens. There’s 5 of them and for now, they live under my bed. The vet said not to touch or move them for at least 2 weeks. I’m definitely concerned about them peeing and pooping on the floor because I’m unable to move my bed to clean it up so I don’t know what the fuck to do. Again, I don’t have any help with things so this is just another challenge for me.

My nurse is coming in a couple of hours and then I have an appointment at 3:30. Afterward, I plan to just come home and relax. I have an ultrasound and prenatal appointment tomorrow starting at noon. I’m not thrilled because I probably won’t get to lay down or nap before work but I’m only scheduled like 5 hours and we won’t be busy so I probably will leave early. Ugh, I’m just tired right now and should probably try and nap before she comes.

I’m honestly so glad I spent so much time working on the baby room yesterday because the more ready I am, the less anxiety I feel. It’s just still so crazy that NO ONE has helped me do anything but I’m still getting it done!! It bothers me that not one person has even asked how I’m doing preparing for my child or if I need any help but I just have to keep moving forward. Sitting around being angry isn’t going to help me whatsoever so I’ve just managed to keep doing my own thing and just being as ready as I can be.

All I really need now is a car seat and I want to buy a crib provided I make some extra money in the upcoming weeks. My daughter is due at the end of July and I may take maternity a couple of weeks before she comes depending on how I feel physically so I need to work really hard to have money in the bank and pay off my credit card. I don’t owe much left on it and hopefully I can make some extra money to pay what’s left. It’s a lot to deal with on my own but I’ve already gotten so much done and I know I can finish getting everything else together. I got a bill from the hospital yesterday and thank God for insurance because it’s going to be about 10K for the delivery of my child. I seriously about shit myself reading that.

I haven’t spoke to my Mother in a couple of weeks. I’ve changed my number and initially gave up on her. My brother deleted me off Facebook yesterday so I blocked him. I think I just need to be done with everyone for the time being. I still worry about going into labor and not having anyone there but I’m just gonna continue with the plan of calling 911 and going in the ambulance and just taking my hospital bag with me. I have to make sure to have cash so I can call a taxi when it’s time to come home. I definitely wish things were different but I’ve already done all this on my own and don’t see the point in calling anyone when I go into labor. Just thinking about them taking time away from their jobs or losing sleep makes me feel bad. They don’t want to be involved anyway so I’m going to do it myself and remind myself that I’m strong enough for this.

Anyways, I’m going to lay down. More later.