Melodramatic Whiner in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

This morning I woke up and felt like a metaphorical arrow was in my chest. Not pain, at least not pain in any perceivable increased way as to my usual pain, but something more existential.

Do you know my wife told me yesterday that she bought me a birthday present; and my immediate reaction was to apologize? Seems fucked up, yeah?

And this morning before leaving for work, out of boredom, I found myself on YouTube exploring videos and wound up watching Asian Women Dance videos and… it caused a sort of emotional response that I can’t quite put into words.

So I think I’ve discovered something or realized something or have decided to deal with something (one of those things).
One of the issues that I acknowledge that I would like Therapist Help to deal with is… this whole idea that de-prioritizing oneself is a key to being a good person. How I don’t know how to deal with wanting something just for myself and how, unless I’m doing something for someone else, I honestly don’t know how to go after something. I’m not stating this well.

In Nebraska, THE GOAL was “Find a job in Iowa.” Yes, I wanted to find work and I wanted to return home… but my inspiration, my push was Wife. Wife hated Omaha and wanted so much to return to Iowa. Wife and I weren’t in a great place; so getting her back to Iowa seemed like a good start. Then we got to Iowa. THE GOAL became “Re Join Civilization.” Yes, I wanted to return to Civilization myself for a number of reasons… but my inspiration, my push was Wife. Wife hated Tiny Town and wanted so much to return to a City. Wife and I weren’t in a great place, but things were getting better, so getting her back to a City seemed like a good continuation. Now we’re in what could be/should be an “Ideal Location” considering the buildup. We’re in Iowa, we’re in The City, we both have Full Time Jobs. What is the next GOAL?

And I realized… the next goal can’t be “Do this/go here for someone else.” Wife’s issues are now Wife’s to work on. If she is ever going to be something besides miserable, crabby, and negative… this is her chance, but she has to take it. My issues are now mine to work on. If I am ever going to get a handle on wanting something and being able to go after it; this is my chance and I have to take it.

So… what do I want? Really. Honestly. Not like “I want Wife to be happy” and not like “I want Wife to greet me tomorrow in a Pencil Skirt desperate to fuck me.” Obviously, both of those things are things I want… But I have zero control, zero input on the possibility of either of those things ever happening. So… what do I want… that I can affect?

I want to be good at my job. Okay, so in order to facilitate that, I have purchased some books on Immigration that I can read to help educate me on what I need to know. That is a step in the right direction. BUT I also need to learn how to get clients. Something to look into.

I want to feel desirable. Whether that desire comes from my wife or not, I can’t control. It is difficult and disappointing to realize that; but that is simply the truth. So what can I do to make me feel desirable? AND it boils down to… (1) exercise; (2) eat better; (3) develop personal hobbies and interests. I mean, obviously… I have hobbies and interests. But I need to learn things like “How to cook” and “How to maintain a healthy exercise regimen.” Things like that. Returning to a better physical size will also help me to return to my once beloved (and partially discarded) fashion sense.

Now here’s something to keep in mind, as depressing as it may be. I will never get to “The Ultimate Of What I Want.” Because… that is not possible. In order to achieve an ultimate goal like that, I would have needed to (1) known what I wanted by the age of 10; (2) known how to pursue those wants by the age of 15; (3) dedicated myself to that pursuit by the age of 20.... and then after tireless and uncompromising pursuit, possibly attained those Ultimate Goals by the age of 40. But as Childhood possess great potential and energy, age provides wisdom and hesitation. If it were even possible (which I maintain it is not) all of those timelines would have to be extended were I to attempt any of it now. Money aside (which would be difficult as money would be a huge opposing force in all of this).... Lets say I actually know what I want at the age of 33. If I can learn how to pursue those wants, I can be generous and claim I could learn that by age 40. Getting everything in place and established to dedicate myself to all of that would take shorter (because of autonomy) so I could probably get that set up by age 43. And then after tireless and uncompromising pursuit, possibly attain those Ultimate Goals by the age of 65 or 70. Again… that is IF money wasn’t a factor. Which it obviously is since everything in this world (seems to be) about money.

So… in the end… I have to learn (1) how to discern what I want; (2) how to go after it on my own; (3) how to stay motivated when my actions are for myself; (4) how to accept disappointment when What I Want may be too far out of reach.