Weekend in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

After work on Friday, I went back home to shower and grab my bags. It took a while and set me behind actually a few hours more than anticipated. I got on the road and texted my buddy my expected ETA. The funny thing… the drive to my friend’s house takes me on the same roads I drove getting to/from/around College. Add in the old college radio station playing and my mind was… taken back to when Wife and I first started dating. That kind of combination and the issues Wife and I have been having brought a suspicion to me. Wife and I got together because neither of us wanted to “walk the path” alone.

To speak more directly, Wife clearly doesn’t give a shit about having a romantic/sexual partner. But she doesn’t want to do “Life” alone. I do give a shit about having a romantic/sexual partner; but I tend to say yes immediately to someone who claims to want me because.... being wanted just… feels so rare to me for some reason. Which is objectively bullshit. In High School, I can tell you of at least 4 or 5 people who wanted me. Maybe the issue is… after Aku (evil ex g/f)… I didn’t have people who wanted me anymore. I was damaged goods and.... yeah. So on the drive I thought about all of that.

I got to my friend’s place at about 10:30 at night and we discussed Private Practice. He’s been in Private Practice for a few years now and was just denied a magistrate position. He was a bit pissed about that; but I tried to console him that it wasn’t likely to get a magistrate position before at least 5 years of practice. I do feel bad for him, though. He hasn’t got much to his life (like I do? but still). He’s got finances and family… but he doesn’t have any friends nearby. His life is 100% work, video games, and anime. And while his Dad is after him all the time to get a girlfriend, I support my friend but tend to agree with his Dad. It isn’t like it’ll be easy for him to find a girl for him where he lives but… I’d love to see him try. He’s never had a girlfriend and was making jokes about being a 30 year old virgin. I tried to let him know that it was okay. Turning 30 and being in that position isn’t something to be down about; it is just something that happened.

The Anime we watched this weekend:
Steins;Gate: Load Region of Déjà Vu
Attack on Titan Junior High
Dagashi Kashi (to be discussed later)
Shimoneta: A Boring World Where the Concept of Dirty Jokes Doesn’t Exist
(and most of) Valkyrie Drive Mermaid

While watching Dagashi Kashi; the character Hotaru Shidare reminded me of Wife when we first met. When I first was attracted to her. Who she certainly is not anymore.

Shidare’s Wikipedia Description is as follows:
An eccentric girl who is very passionate about sweets and snacks. Her father owns a famous snacks company and she came to Shikada store to recruit Yō. As Yō will not leave as long as Kokonotsu is unwilling to succeed him as Shikada storekeeper, she quickly strikes a deal with him: she will convince Kokonotsu to take over the store in return for his employment. From then on she tries to persuade Kokonotsu using many different ways such as games, stories, and riddles.

What I saw of Shidare that also used to be Wife:
An eccentric girl who is passionate, intelligent, and full of information. Equally happy to discuss business, fun, and hobbies. True, from time to time she is unpredictable and zany; but it breaks up the long speeches about books, tae kwon do, poetry, and photography. Equal parts knowledgeable and curious; she has a fashion sense all her own but one that remains flattering and interesting.

Of course… where we are now… an eccentric girl with no passions other than negativity and rage; she is never happy and does not have any hobbies. True, from time to time she acts like an energetic 9 year old; but it breaks up the long hours of watching television show after television show. Equal parts surly and uncaring; she has given up on any fashion that is not Work Uniform.

On Saturday Night, I could not stay awake as long as my friend. He was up until 2:00 to watch Toonami; and I had to be asleep by 11:30 because… I guess, because I’m older? LoL. This morning, we watched more Anime… he lamented a bit more about turning 30, and then I left.

I drove home. I wanted to get home before Wife got home because… frankly; I wanted to transition. Hanging out with a friend, enjoying a pretty chill environment.... being around Wife again is… considerably different. So, I left and drove home. It was raining REALLY badly. Like… I thought I was in the middle of a Tornado at several points in the 150 minute drive.

When I got home, Wife’s car was in the parking lot. I was… a little disappointed, actually. But I got my stuff, went up to the apartment, and ran into Wife leaving the apartment. I said hi, kind of surprised. She looked at me annoyed. I saw she was wearing her work uniform so I asked if she was working a 6 to 10 (as her original schedule had said 9-6). She brushed past me and said, “I must not have told you. But I thought I did.” And then she disappeared to take some bags to her car. When she got back up to the apartment, I leaned over to kiss her, gave her a peck on the head and said, “I love you.” To which she simply said, “Uh huh.” She didn’t ask about the trip. She didn’t ask about MBFITWW’s birthday was. She didn’t ask what kind of Anime we watched. Just… acted like “Oh, another human has arrived. okay.” So… I asked her why she was home before 6. Apparently, she worked a 7 to 4 today. She was informed about that Friday. As we hadn’t talked since Thursday, of course I had no idea. But (get this)… since last speaking with Wife on Thursday… she worked on Friday, had a day off on Saturday, worked on Sunday. But… instead of asking me about my trip or interacting with me… she spends the first 40 minutes discussing how much she hates her job, how much she hates the customers, and how much she hates the people she works with. Then for the next 30 minutes… she talks about herself.... what she thinks is wrong with her, what she would like to see herself do, etcetera. And of course, I keep doing the encouraging husband thin and letting her know that “yeah, it is time to leave Wal Mart. We can get you into counseling if that is what you want. We should make your mental health a financial priority. Etc.”

Le Sigh. It is nice to come home and quickly be reminded that I’m a “walk on role” in my Wife’s life as opposed to a “supporting character” or even (God forbid) a “co-star.”