Feeling alright. in Since OD is shutting down....

I talked to my friend this morning and then got an appointment with lawyer for the middle of May, picked up circus ticket and went to counseling. I’m definitely glad I went because my counselor really helps me see things in a better light. I told him what happened over the weekend with my friend and he doesn’t agree with me writing her off because of her messaging my BD, but does agree that she went against me by telling him my personal feelings.

He said that I need to tell both of my friends that I’ve put a wall up for this person and until I’m ready to take it down, that it would make me feel better for them to just block him. I’ve literally told both of them to block him numerous times and neither one of them do. They just tell me that they won’t respond. I feel that he just wants them to influence him to not come back so he has yet another reason to avoid being a parent. My friend that I blocked didn’t seem to understand that just because he’s being nice doesn’t change anything. It’s not her place to tell him anything personal about me and essentially it doesn’t help because he doesn’t have any empathy.

Since he’s stopped bothering my other friend, my week has been better and I don’t feel so stressed out. I’ve slept better, haven’t been crying, and can just get through the day better. I feel like both of them are so taken by drama that they can’t just leave it alone instead of understanding whatever they say to him can and will affect the life of my child. It won’t be them to have to explain to her why her Dad isn’t in the picture, it will be on me. I feel like I’m the only one that looks at this from the perspective I do and they aren’t respecting that.

We also talked about how when people piss me off or when I feel they’ve betrayed me, I just write them off. I know it’s part of my personality and I just wish I didn’t do it. I don’t as much as I used to and still give people the benefit of the doubt but once I’m done, I’m done. I worry about my friend messaging him and being more on his side now that I’ve blocked her but there’s nothing I can do if that is happening. I would have tried to have been more communicative with her but she tends to blow up if she’s confronted and it’s really hard to stand up to her so that’s why I’ve chosen to end contact.

I’m also mad that she’s made very little effort to stay in contact with me for months now and has told me she’s going to buy me a bunch of baby stuff and then didn’t mention it again. I don’t expect shit from anyone and that’s why I’m going broke buying everything but when people tell you they are going to do something and then they don’t, they look like a fucking asshole. It’s bullshit when people know my situation and STILL choose to not be an actual helpful asset. It’s just very frustrating to feel like people MIGHT care but at the end of the day they really don’t.

It was also mentioned about me writing off my family and giving up hope. I told him what happened with my Mother the other day and how I crossed her off too. It’s just not worth my time and energy to try and include anyone that doesn’t want to be included. She doesn’t have my new number and I also blocked her on Facebook. I sent my brother a picture of the circus ticket I got for his kid and let him know he can come pick it up. I know they aren’t going to let me take her but I’d like them to so that’s why I got it in the first place. He’s since checked the message but hasn’t responded. I’ll give him a couple of days and if I don’t hear from him, I’m going to completely cross him off too.

Everyone acts like I’m either dead or invisible so if I just make myself as transparent as possible, they can just forget about me. It makes things easier for everyone. I mean yeah, I’m the one suffering with loneliness and isolation but it’s better than chasing people who don’t want to be there anyway. I always think about how if you don’t love yourself than you are going to chase people who don’t love you either and I can’t do that anymore. I think it’s been years since anyone has really, truly cared for me and I’m sick of it.

My counselor said that the reason why I take things so personally and I’m so sensitive when people fuck up is because I channel all my anger and disappointment for my parents into every situation because they’ve let me down so much and no matter how I react, it stays the same. I’ve spent so much time trying to repair every situation and have a support system and I’ve failed miserably because I’m dealing with people who either hate me or don’t care at all. I just have to accept what it is and keep living.

My rent is due next week and I’m short so that means I’m not able to buy groceries this weekend. I don’t have a lot of food but I’ll have to make due because my rent and insurance come out next week and than I have to try and rebuild my back account. I’m getting really sick of never making enough at work every week and I’m going to take all of this into consideration when I’m on maternity leave looking for a new job. I also got kind of irritated for my manager to say that we are going to get busy but it’ll be hard for me because I’m pregnant. Well, I still have to make a living and being pregnant isn’t a handicap. I’m not going to be pregnant forever and I’m tired of everyone acting like it’s a set back. It’s not affecting anyone’s life but my own.

I’m really sick of my job. I love it because it’s what I’m used to but I hate it because I’ve never gotten a break and I’m sick of worrying about money because we don’t make shit anymore. Because I’m having a child, it makes me think about the future and I want a real job to be able to support and provide for her. It’s not going to happen where I’m at and I refuse to be a welfare Mom. I don’t want to try and work 2 jobs either. I’m going to start applying at places online once I’m on maternity leave and spend some real time thinking about what I want because it isn’t this. My job is bullshit because if you work more than 20 hours a week, you don’t qualify for any kind of assistance but you still struggle to pay your bills and keep money in the bank. I just don’t get it.

Anyways, I’m gonna try and get laundry done as soon as my neighbors get their shit out of the machines and then just try to relax before I have to go to work .