What's best. in Since OD is shutting down....

I go to work in a couple of hours. I just had another prenatal appointment. Baby’s heart rate is 152 and my blood pressure is good but she didn’t say what it was. They increased one of my dosage of insulin. My blood sugars have been pretty good. He said to be drinking a lot of water and be careful of salt if my feet start swelling. They haven’t as of yet and I’m pretty happy about that. I’m concerned how easy working will be if/when that does happen though. He said I’ll start having an appointment once a week once I reach 32 weeks. I’m currently 27 weeks tomorrow. My appointments will be 20-40 minutes so they can listen to the baby’s heartbeat and I have to start doing ultrasounds once a month to make sure baby is growing at the rate speed and isn’t having growth restrictions due to my diabetes.

My Mom text me right before my appointment saying her car was in the shop so she wasn’t going to make it. It’s great that she waits until there isn’t time for me to go get her and of course my Dad couldn’t bring her, considering they do have 2 vehicles. This just angered me so fucking much so I fucking changed my number and deactivated my Facebook. I’m just going to be as invisible as possible because that’s what everyone has wanted this whole time. I honestly just want everyone to forget about me. I can’t continue begging, pleading, wishing, and hoping for things to change. I’m robbing myself of happiness and letting everyone’s actions get to me.

I get that 90% of life is out of my control and the other 10% is how I react and that’s why as long as my BD stops contacting my friends, I’m unable to react. He doesn’t deserve the attention he’s received and I’m just glad he’s left my friends alone and hopefully it stays that way. I know as long as he keeps messaging them, I’m going to continue to react. It’s just so crazy to me that this person has made a child and has had no involvement whatsoever but yet has the nerve to ask my friend for sonogram pictures. I seriously just want him to go the fuck away and just let sleeping dogs lie. It’s not healthy for me at all to keep getting screenshots because almost all of them either piss me off or get my hopes up that he’s going to come back and actually be a Dad.

He’s never going to be a Dad. There’s always going to be some excuse. Whether it’s a RO or not. He even said to my friend that there’s a RO for a reason. Right, and what are those reasons bitch?! I got it on him, not the other way around. I just can’t fucking deal with someone who’s never fucking wrong and won’t no matter what. It’s also funny that he didn’t mention buying anything for the baby until AFTER the RO is granted. The guy is a fucking joke. I don’t think he has any real plans to move back, especially after telling my friend he doesn’t want to come back and can get help there.

All he wants is to be in control and that’s not going to happen. He’s had plenty of control over me for months now and I just need it to end. I have more than enough to worry about and he shouldn’t be one of my concerns at all. I can’t control him or what he’s going to do and I just want to worry about having a healthy pregnancy and be a good Mom. He CHOSE to leave and continue to stay gone. He chose to threaten to kill me and that’s why things are a complete and utter mess now.

People say I just need to focus on myself and the baby but it’s the same ones that are always sending me screenshots from him too. I honestly don’t even care if anyone is talking to him, I just don’t need to know about it. I feel that if they were really my friends, they would tell him to go fuck himself and just leave it be. This is my situation, not their’s. I just don’t want their influence on him or what he’s going to do. He needs to figure this shit out for himself. He’s already proven I can rely on him and when he left, he taught me how to live without him and even though I have my good days and bad, I’m managing without him.

I was talking to my friend yesterday about how I’m still wanting to be as fair and reasonable as possible for the sake of my kid and she said that I need to consider my feelings too. I would like him to be at the birth provided he moves back but then if he was there, I’d have to worry about his behavior. Whether he’s there or not, it’s the birth of my child and I’ll never forget it and I just want to make the right decision. I honestly don’t think he’ll even be back in this state in the next 3 months and I have to remember the reasons behind the RO. He’s also used the RO to his benefit and it sickens me. He never had any real intent to move back or be a part of this pregnancy but will gladly hide behind the RO like the little bitch that he is.

All I know is I’m just consumed with worry, anxiety, and being overwhelmed all the fucking time. I get really sick of only having 1 person to talk to outside or work. I have no one here. No one I can call when I get upset or anyone to be there for dr appointments. My Mom has made at least some effort but to her it’s just a bother and a pain in the ass and after today, I don’t plan to try anymore. I just can’t keep wasting my time because I just end up sad and angry. I just wish things were different but it’s the same shit, different fucking day.

Anyways, I’m gonna lay down for a few because I have a massive fucking backache and need to rest before going to work.