What I want. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I guess he told my friend yesterday that he plans to return in a couple of weeks and get into counseling as soon as he gets here. She didn’t send me these screenshots. She also didn’t send me the screenshots of him saying that he missed me either. Last night he sent her a picture of him holding his niece saying this is how he’s going to look when he holds his own baby and how he wants me back, both of us meaning the baby too.

I do appreciate my friend talking to him and remaining loyal to me but I feel that she’s very selective on the screenshots she sends me and every time he makes her mad, she tells him ‘good luck seeing your kid’ and that upsets me in a lot of ways because it’s not up to her to decide him seeing her. I just don’t want to be sending that message of him not being able to be a Dad because that’s her words, not mine. I get that maybe she thinks it’s making him realize more and more that things are really crucial and everything but I worry that if he keeps being told that then this is either going to end up a really ugly court battle, him trying to commit suicide or him not even wanting to there for his daughter.

I try and be as fair and reasonable as I can because he is the Father of my child and I just wish he wouldn’t have done such crazy things because then we wouldn’t have a fucking middle man. I would love to talk to him directly. I don’t like my friend talking to him anymore because I feel that she’s extremely hard on him and I don’t want him getting the wrong idea that it’s actually me deciding he’s never going to be given the chance to be a Dad.

It’s just not up to her to decide his involvement, it’s his. I think about how many single Mom’s there are to children where the Dad’s walked away and mine actually wants to be there and how special/important that is. I really hope that we can turn all of this around and have a really good relationship for our child, whether that’s a friendship or more. I know that he wants to be with me but that’s a long way off. I think it’s more important for him to get help, for me to build trust for him, and for us to just get to know each other first.

Seeing the screenshot of him saying he wants me back was something I never thought I’d read and now, I just don’t know how to feel about that. I just worry that if he did come back and things got hard, would he leave again? I’m definitely in a different place mentally with all of this and I’m just hoping we are going to be able to reach some kind of agreement/solution for the situation. At this point, I feel it’s more important to be a Dad then for us to be together but I just can’t forget about him leaving and how different things would be right now had he stayed.

This is probably the hardest thing I’ve ever been through mentally and I don’t know what to make of it. For the past 5 months of him being gone, I just wanted him to stay away and I’ve learned to cope on my own. His first mistake was leaving because it taught me to live without him and then after him threatening to kill me, calling our child an abomination, giving me an STD and pointing the finger at me, and saying all the hateful, cruel things he’s said, I just worry about if/when the RO gets dropped him going back to his same crazy behaviors.

I guess it boils down to either give it a chance and if I don’t, never knowing what could have been. I do believe that people can change but until he gets himself a job and starts counseling, I just can’t even consider having anything to do with him. I have to feel like he’s truly wanting to change and be a better person for the sake of his kid. I’m glad that he’s been a lot nicer and easier to deal with but my friend is still a cast-iron heartless bitch. I understand that she wants to back me up and everything but I just don’t want her to chase him away because that affects my child. It’s not up to her to decide for him what he wants.

Anyways, I’m going to nap.