Bad day. in Since OD is shutting down....

My day was fine until I went outside to check the mail and my brother and niece were outside. She called my name and waved. I waved back and hurried to get inside. It killed me that she just stood there. Waiting for me to beckon her over but didn’t feel I should have because I didn’t know how my brother would react. I will never forget her standing there looking confused. I came inside and cried for about an hour and then become so tired I laid down and took a nap.

BD was still messaging my friend today and I decided to text her stating that if he stays in another state, RO will remain as is. If he comes back, he needs to secure a job, get counseling/AA and I would consider dropping the RO in 6 months. He was just excited to know it was a girl and said he’d get help but I don’t believe him. He then started talking about him and I having sex. Nothing graphic but still not acceptable given the situation. I just feel at this point until he tells my friend his actual plans for parenting, there’s no reason for him to keep contacting her.

I felt super down this evening for several hours and still wonder how I function on the daily. Everything is such a mess and I don’t have a way to fix it. I’ve tried for months and I’m still all by myself. I’m very depressed, lonely, and question why I’m in such a tough spot with no way out. I still worry about not being able to get up and go to work most days even though my job is the only thing that keeps me going.

It’s really hard to think there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Since I’ve become pregnant, I’ve had hardly any support and because I’ve gotten nowhere with BD or his family, I feel that there’s no point to keep trying. His Mom is a fucking immature old bitch and I refuse to put up with it. He’s still crazy and doesn’t say anything remotely productive and all of this has really started to affect me on a deep level.

Counseling is getting to be a dead end. I actually cancelled my appointment on Friday because I feel that my counselor has given me all the advice he could and because this hasn’t improved, I just don’t feel that it’s helping me to continue talking about the same shit. I know it helps me to talk to him, but my life is still the exact same as it was 6 months ago. I can tell that he doesn’t even know what to say to help anymore too.

I’m supposed to go on Friday to meet my new friend through that company and I just don’t think I want to. I feel that because everything has been so terrible for me that I need to wait until I’m in a better place mentally. It sucks to have to reach out to the community to find a new friend because I wasn’t able to on my own and I’m not ready to trust a complete stranger to know my personal life. Things are a fucking train wreck and it’s really hard for me to open up about what goes on. I’m probably going to email my lady there and let her know that I’m just not up for it at this time.

Something’s gotta give before I fuckin break. I’m so fucking sick of being lonely. I’m sick of feeling like no one has any regard to how this is affecting me and how hard it is for me to be alone all the time. I just feel that it people cared, they’d try and be there more than they are. I don’t even hear from my own friend but maybe once a week and it’s just because she’s having marital problems.

Whatever, I’m going to bed.