Reactions to Pain in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

The barometric pressure of the local area is crazy. We’re expected to get severe storms, tornado warnings, and a cold front slamming into a warm front. Or as the weather dude said: Highs in the 80s today that should quickly drop down to the 60s as soon as these two fronts meet.
Add that to… just… everything going on in my life right now… and oh god the pain are you fucking kidding me?! Of course… Private Practice Associates don’t get to take breaks for that. And again… I could apply for disability… it isn’t unheard of. Despite what my law professor in Creighton thought, though, it can be very difficult. BUT more importantly… I won’t do it… for me. I was the kid that pushed himself; I was the teenager that said, “I can sleep when I’m dead.” I’m not going to be beaten by chronic widespread pain. However, I do (somewhat) wish that other people knew. When suffering an “invisible illness” people look at how hard you try and think, “Suck it up, there’s nothing wrong with you!” or worse, they think, “What a lazy, worthless pile of crap!” When in reality… it took significant will power to get out of bed, get dressed and drive in to work. I’m not asking for “free money” just to get out of bed… but some understanding on how I’ve already used up “a lot of spoons” just to come in today would be appreciated. Ah well. It is how it is. I don’t expect the world to change for me; but I can’t exactly change for the world either on this.

An added fun to the new life, at least as it currently stands, is that I don’t have a relationship with my wife anymore. This week is a perfect example of that. Easter Service was at 7 am on Sunday. I went, Wife stayed at home sleeping. I got back from Easter service, Wife went to work. We didn’t see each other much on Sunday. Monday, I have to be in to the office ASS early to get across the state in time for court. Wife has Monday off… so I get back late and I’m exhausted and don’t see each other much on Monday. Tuesday, I wake up tired… go to work… Wife works until after 10 pm… we don’t see each other. Today, I wake up tired… go to work… Wife works until after 10 pm… we won’t see each other. Tomorrow… I’ll likely wake up tired… go to work… Wife works until after 10 pm… we won’t see each other. Friday… I hope to GOD that I don’t wake up tired… I’ll go to work… Wife works until after 9 pm… and if I have the energy, I’ll be able to force myself to stay awake to see her for a bit. Then Saturday? Saturday she works 11- 7. I plan on trying to get as much sleep as possible on that Day to recover from my week. But that night… maybe we can do something together.

I keep thinking… this is what we wanted, this is what we needed. We’re back in civilization. I don’t have to be part of a corrupt system. I can learn how to be a lawyer. I can help people (clients and bosses). I’m back with my friends and family. This is (honestly) infinitely preferable to Tiny Town. It’s just… going to take some time to adjust.

Personal Aside: I saw this picture looking for images relating to “Patience” and… this explains everything about me for the last 18 years. I grew up in the faith. I know by heart so much of the Torah and the Bible (not enough Koran and not enough 8 Fold Path). Faith, Hope, and Love. We talk about those three all the time. I’ve always had faith. Faith is a part of my DNA in the same way that a propensity for alcoholism and FMS is. And… while I’ve struggled and argued and fought… patience with God does kind of fit. Because I’ve been mad that it hasn’t happened when I want; I’ve questioned whether it would ever happen… but it is easy to have patience with someone/something that there is NO way of controlling. No matter how the wind howls, the mountain will not bow to it. Patience with others… while difficult… is still present most of the time. My own pain helps with that. But patience with self? Shit, I remember long debates with my pastor when I was 16. I have faith but no hope. I have a strong belief in powers beyond me… but no faith in my own powers.

Here is a… well… not quite sure what to think. Many of our clients are F1 Visa Chinese Students. That means that they are Chinese Foreign Nationals, what is called “non-immigrant status,” here to study at American Colleges with the expectation that they will return to China. It is unfair to suggest that all individuals similarly situated are the same. No one is a monolith. And I’m trying to convince our Chinese Administrative Aid of that as he has been in the states for about a year and still doesn’t realize that not all White People are the same. Anyway… it is important to understand that not all Chinese Students are the same. HOWEVER it is fair to say that the type of client we deal with on a Private non-appointed basis has similarities. And… it is… well… I love diversity. In Tiny Town, I desperately missed the normalcy of Black People, Asian People, Native American People, Hispanic People, etc. Back in DM… they’re just people… in Tiny Town… they were anomalies. And because they were anomalies, it was easy for Tiny Town People to think the worst of what they heard represented all of each demographic. All Native Americans are drunk rapists. All Black People are violent criminals. All hispanics (lets be honest, they would have said Mexican and meant anything from Puerto Rican to Brazilian) are lazy, job stealing, non-English speakers. And they would have said all Asians are bad driving, money hoarding, psychos. That isn’t true of ANY of those demographics at large. All of those statements can (and are) true of individuals… within all demographics. That being said… the particular kind of Asian Client we seem to get on the Private side? Well… lets just say… yeah. While it might not fill a specific pre-existing stereotype… it would create a few.

Business Clients: Chinese Individuals with Chinese Citizenship buying millions of dollars of land and businesses with the intent to enrich themselves and people back in China.
Criminal Private Clients: Students on an F1 Visa given freedom (from parents and government) for the first time ever with the addition of a shit load of money.

Put yourself in these kids’ position, though. You’re from a government that says anything other than total obeisance to the state is a crime against your country. You’re from a culture that says you are beholden to generations of ancestors and anything you do reflects on all of them. Oppression is so second nature, you find yourself agreeing that any expression of individuality should be criminalized. THEN you are sent to America. You’re given (kid you not) $500,000 US and told to learn as much as you can then come back to China. You know you have to come back to China. That isn’t even a question. So… you have a half-million dollars and 4 to 8 years of freedom. OF COURSE these kids are going to buy stupidly expensive cars, do drugs, drink, buy guns… a lot of kids, when they go to college for the first time, do everything they were always told not to do. Take that same mentality, apply Chinese Oppression, and add extreme wealth? Yeah.

Why have I been going on about this, though? Because… I, personally, am in an interesting place because of it. lol. As mentioned previously… this situation I am currently in isn’t exactly beaucoup bucks for me right now. This week, so far, taking my Billable Hours and removing my earned percentage… I’ve earned (pre tax) all of $105 this week. Whoop. Dee. If I keep up this pace, I’ll have earned enough at the end of the year to still owe 2 grand on rent. Now contrast that. My morning required me to watch videos of a traffic stop of our client. A 20 year old Chinese kid picked up with marijuana in his car. His very very expensive car. And yeah… a little orneriness came out. Like… here I am… College Educated, Law Degree, from an affluent (enough) family… 33 year old white male living in the United States… and I am driving around in a broken 2009 Honda Civic, sweating monthly rent in a 3 bedroom apartment, worrying about budgets. Meanwhile… 20 year old Chinese F1 Student driving around in a car that cost probably quadruple my entire year’s worth of rent.

If Tiny Town People ever saw that? Yeah. There would be all new racial stereotypes and a redouble of racial anger because of them.