Easter. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’m yet spending another holiday alone. I got up this morning and had to get a few last minute things from the store for my stew. Friday afternoon I spent 2 hours cleaning out my bedroom closet and now all I have left is the baby room. I bought a bunch more clothes for baby yesterday before I went to work for $25 and the lady gave me a bunch of diapers, toys, blankets and crib bedding. My car was completely packed. Work was super slow last night and I didn’t make shit but I did have a better week so it didn’t bother me as much.

Been thinking a lot about BD and wish that we could have another chance, provided he gets help. I try really hard to be understanding because he’s had a really shitty past but it doesn’t justify the way he’s treated me and the things he’s done. I just can’t help but miss him though. I miss how sweet he could be, I miss his touch, and I do wish that I would have done things differently. I wish that I would have spent more time with him, getting to know him and not always putting my job first.

Believe it or not, I realize the mistakes I’ve made as well. He could be a really good guy when he wanted to be but the minute I’d disagree with him or didn’t want to hang out due to being tired, he’d get mean again and that’s why I kept him away. I just wish I wouldn’t have given so much to my job because I feel like things could be completely different right now. I would still like to give us a chance for our child but it would require him to get/keep a job, get a car, treat me with respect and for me to somehow trust he’s not fucking with other females behind my back. He’s a lot like my ex that passed away where if I wasn’t around, he was trying to find other women to mess with.

Loneliness is a motherfucker but I know that I definitely could handle it better than he did. He always accused me of messing with other men but didn’t believe me when I would tell him that if I didn’t have time for HIM, how the fuck would I have time for anyone else. I’m angry at myself for putting EVERYTHING in my life on the back burner for a job that thinks we are all disposable. I’m still very pissed about how I’ve been treated there. I’m grateful I still have my job but know I wasn’t always treated right.

I was talking to my nurse the other day and I think she hit the nail on the head when she said that because I was never important to other people, I allowed my feelings to never be important and that’s why I let everyone walk all over me. So often, I allowed myself to be used just to have people around. I did what I had to because I hated the lonely feeling but after people would use me, lonely was replaced with anger. It’s hard for me to think that anyone truly cares for me other than my Mom and my 2 friends.

Someday, everything I’ve gone through will make perfect sense. Everything happened the way it was supposed to, even me getting pregnant and not being married. I think God wants me to be able to focus on someone who will always be there and love me back for the right reasons. I know I’m a good person but so often in my life I’ve been made to believe that I’m some kind of monster who has victimized everyone else. I know that isn’t true at all. I know better than that. I’ve done what I’ve had to in order to protect myself.

BD has told my friend that he’ll be back soon but not entirely sure when and not sure what exactly that means. He’s still very adamant about being there when the baby’s born but hasn’t said anything about him being there after that. It’s like he just wants to be there for the important times but nothing else. There’s still no real plan for him to step up and it bothers me on a very deep level. I just wish we could fix things and be in a good place for the baby but I just don’t know how to make that happen.

I just don’t know why people have to be so difficult and for his Mom to basically say that she’s choosing sides is very immature. It makes me wonder if any of them truly care about having a relationship with my child or if they plan to just make this a full blown war over custody. BD acts like I’ve done so much to hurt or wrong him but I’m pretty sure I’m the one who’s been wronged here. I get that it’s his Mom and she must back him up but we also need to pay attention to the fact that the fucker left when I was 6 weeks pregnant and there’s several reasons for a RO.

For her to say that her son comes first and the baby comes second makes me super glad that I will have my own family to be there for me and my daughter. I’m not going to allow for my child to be second in anyone’s life because that’s not fair to HER. I also don’t understand why we need to have established sides or battle lines when this situation is about a baby, not about a bunch of immature fucking adults that thrive off drama. I won’t allow that for my kid. I’ve killed myself trying to get through to him and attempt a relationship with his Mom and I’ve gotten nowhere.

For my friend to ask me if I was glad to have gotten the RO the answer is yes. I definitely don’t have second thoughts about it, especially since the situation is still not improving. From what he said to my friend, it doesn’t sound like him getting help is going to happen because of the RO and him having to stay away for 5 years instead of getting help, proving it, and then at least giving me the chance to change my mind. He doesn’t get that this shit is now on my terms and until he’s ready to take the proper steps to fix himself, I’m not even willing to consider trying to get the RO dropped.

I get that we all make mistakes but he showed me when he got on that bus and left me to fend for myself and my unborn child, it changed the game. Everyone needs to understand how hurt and abandoned I felt and continue to feel every fucking day. He says he misses me but I think that’s just lip service. He didn’t miss me until now, now that everything is beyond repair. He thought that I’d just be here waiting for him to return and we would just pick up right where we left off regardless of what he’s done and that’s not what I want anymore. I made my mistakes too but I have to look out for my child now and she’s more important than my personal feelings.

I think about him sometimes, wishing he was here just watching tv with me. I think about us getting to know each other, going to movies, and just attempting a real relationship but then I think about the cruel, heartless things he’s said and done and it makes me glad he’s gone and hope the best for him.

Anyways, I’ve wasted enough of my time today typing all of this that I’m gonna go have dinner and watch some television.