Negativity is getting super old. in Since OD is shutting down....

Again I want to make this extremely clear: this is MY diary and I’ll write whatever the fuck I want. I tend to be a very passionate person and will write about what’s upsetting me and say whatever I feel like here because this is my outlet. If you don’t have anything positive feedback to offer, don’t leave comments!

This is my journey with my life and pregnancy. I have more than enough on my plate at this point in my life and I’m not going to answer to anyone over the internet because you don’t know my life and what I’ve been through. I’ve worked my ass off to get to where I’m at and you have no fucking idea what goes on in my head on the daily.

Anyways! I went to bed really upset last night and come to the conclusion that I may not file for CS simply because I make decent money and don’t need any from him. I know that money is for my child and he shouldn’t just get to walk away without any financially responsibility for his kid but no matter how much he would be required to pay, it wouldn’t be worth the drama and arguments that are going to come with it.

I’ve spent the past 6 months being pregnant being as fair as possible for my daughter and the harder I’ve tried, the worse things have gotten. Neither him or his family have made any effort in attending Dr appointments, ultrasounds, or have offered any kind of positive support and I am extremely sad, anxious, and overwhelmed that it’s going to be nothing but a battle for the rest of my life. I’m so sorry that I picked this person to reproduce with but don’t feel I should have to pay for it until the end of time either.

Physically I am very uncomfortable most days and emotionally I’ve never felt more drained. I’ve had more drama in the past 6 months than I’ve had my whole life and i just need it to stop. I want to know why he feels entitled to keep reaching out to my friend, especially when he was told by the judge that he was prohibited from talking to her. I honestly don’t care what he has to say or what his intentions are anymore.

In the beginning, I did want him to come back and for us to try and get in a good place for the sake of our kid but after him giving me an STD, blaming it on me, threatening to kill me, sending unacceptable videos to my friend, saying his child is a bastard/abomination, and making sure his Mom hates me, I can’t see myself ever wanting to be with him. He’s in a deep, dark place within himself and until he realizes it’s time to get help and he’s not healthy enough to be around a child, I want nothing to do with him.

I completely understand that a child deserves to know their father. I’m not disputing that either but I worry about her safety and well-being because he’s got a lot of problems and I worry about it affecting her. My friend and I talked last night about his Mom sending me that message and she told me I don’t have to put up with that shit. I know I don’t and I’m not willing to keep trying to make a good relationship with them because obviously all they want is drama and the fighting to continue.

I’m very thankful I got the RO because that’s the only thing saving me from him contacting me directly. This kind of stress isn’t healthy for a pregnant diabetic such as myself and I worry frequently about going into pre-term labor and having other complications. I just don’t get why he can’t just leave things alone for now and let the dust settle until the baby’s born. He hasn’t been around for 5 months and him wanting to attend the birth angers me as it makes me feel that he just wants to be able to pick and choose his involvement. I don’t plan on him being there because I just know the drama would continue. He doesn’t know how to keep this mouth shut and I’m not going to deal with fighting and arguing with someone while I’m in pain trying to have my kid.

All of this just tears me down every single day and makes me feel like I’m not even human. I’m just a shell of a person without a soul. I don’t feel like anyone understands how hard this has been on me, instead they want to make it even harder than it has to be. I work my ass off to pay my bills and buy baby stuff. No one helps me whatsoever and that’s fine but I just wish I was seen as an actual human being that’s trying to do the best for my kid and do what I have to do.

I really wish things were different. I remember how I used to be where I loved being a complete fucking bitch to people but now that I do everything I can to get along with everyone, the worse I’m treated so now I’ve learned to just shut down and keep to myself. I bitch about being lonely but I prefer it over having contact with people who just want to run off at the mouth and be assholes.

Even when I have moments where I’m not thinking about the stress of being pregnant and everything that’s happened, someone always has to say something rude or negative to bring me right back to that place. I will talk about being excited for my child to arrive and someone has to be mean and make me afraid to say anything remotely positive about my child. Even when people at work ask me if I can feel her moving yet, I hesitate mentioning anything because I’ve already had people talk about me getting an abortion. It’s like no one wants me to be happy about having a kid, even though it’s me that’s going to be raising her and financially supporting her!

I don’t know how things are going to work out between my kid’s Dad and I but until the baby comes, I’d prefer him to just stopping contacting my friend so I can just focus on having a healthy pregnancy. I’m just so terrified that this is what I’m going to deal with for the rest of my life and I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.

Sometimes I pray. I question why God has put me in such position where there’s more problems than solutions. I do plan on getting legal advice relatively soon just so I know what my options are. Up until last night, I did want to try and work things out so he can see her but I feel like every decision made needs to be after she’s born and him leaving things alone for the time being.

I need to try and nap before going to work.