New beginnings in Daydreaming on the Porch

In another week or so, I’ll just have one full-time job:  caregiving.   After May 31, I’ll have retired from the job I’ve held for 22 years.  I made the decision a couple of months ago, but now it’s really sinking in.  Mind-boggling to think that my major life focus outside of home will be no more and other routines and life changes are in store.  

People look puzzled when they hear me talk with some apprehension and trepidation about retirement – “What?  Aren’t you happy, excited?”  Yes, of course, but as I wrote in my last entry, I’m a creature of habit and routine, and this is the biggest change in my life in 22 years.   Yes, I’ll find things to do, and I’m looking forward to being able to do nothing if I just want to sit for an afternoon on the porch in my favorite rocking chair, legs propped up on the railings, looking out at the trees in the garden and listening to the birds and the wind.   I can do that without having to worry about rushing back to work after my lunch break, or hurrying through my second cup of coffee in the morning.

I’ll hopefully still have the caregivers coming in as before, so I can take walks, go to the grocery store at my leisure, sit on the benches at Colonial Lake or take long drives in the country.   That’s all very nice to think about.   Plus, I have countless books to attempt to read.   I’ll have to prioritize that.   I also have books to pack up and put in storage. Books to give away.  Lots of cleaning and throwing out.  Much to do around the house.  Then there’s volunteer work and taking free courses at the college.

None of this means the major source of worry and stress in my life will be gone.   I’ll be caring for my mother as before and keeping up with all the home ownership responsibilities, which at some point I will be done with and rent a place or find some kind of condominium or retirement community.   But I won’t have the stress of not being accessible to Mom at all times.   Probably the main reason I did retire was to devote my energies to taking care of her without worrying at work about how she was doing or when or whether the caregiver would call and need me to come home.   I saw that happening more and more up the road unless I retired.   It would have been very disruptive for my co-workers because we work on schedules. But I will sorely miss my co-workers and the camaraderie, plus the benefits of the daily routine of work and the satisfaction of accomplishing things and helping others. I can do all this outside of work, I know, but it will take some work. At the job, it’s all there for me, day after day.

I’ll miss my cubicle full of books and clutter. It’s been one of life small sanctuaries throughout the years.

Right now as I write this, I feel a bit numb and overwhelmed with all kinds of thoughts about “what will the future hold?”  I know this is wrong and detrimental, but I’ve been a serious, solitary person all my life and now at 66 a lot of thoughts about my own mortality are weighing on me.   I feel pretty good and have a lot of energy.   So can I slow down in a couple of weeks?  
I take things so seriously, it’s not like I can command myself to just “loosen up and quite worrying.”   Also, It’s easy to think back to the failures in past years, and I’m prone to re-examining my past and trying to figure out what went wrong when I know that’s a useless exercise.   Why is it so hard to think about accomplishments and good things that have happened?  Sometimes I have flashes of insight and optimistic feelings that I can conquer the worrying and realize that happiness is possible and attainable.   I’m going to have more time in the mornings for my scripture readings and meditation. It’s going to be a big change from mornings as they are now.

I have a thick folder of memorabilia from my many years at my current job.   And I have folders and clippings from the two decades of other jobs, graduate school, traveling around the country and much more, including high school and college.   All that I can spend time with reminiscing about.   That won’t be a new thing for me.  I’ve done that all my life.   I’m nostalgic and I save things. But I’ll have so much more time for that, and not just in the middle of the night, as is the case now. That’s been my only source of true free time for years now.

In short, I feel a whole range of emotions and I’m thinking about what this “new beginning” is going to be like.  I definitely hope to be writing a lot more here.    I think of this transition as another of life’s great passages.   I might just discover what I’m really looking for and the happiness and contentment that has been so elusive.    That’s an amazing thought.