New friend, anxiety. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve hung out with this girl I used to work with a long time ago. We went out to eat Friday night and then went shopping on Saturday. I was able to get 20 bodysuits for LO for $10 and then I went back today and got some little outfits as well.

She’s about 10 years younger than me and has 2 kids she’s raising on her own. Her BD is a POS and doesn’t help at all, doesn’t pay child support and isn’t much of a Dad. She has a trailer that she shares with a roommate and I guess this girl is always trying to create problems for her. She doesn’t have a regular job but babysits. I feel for her but I can’t help but feel like she has a lot of drama in her life.

I will probably hang out with her but not too often. Both of her kids are breastfed and her one kid is about 4 months old and literally screams non stop if he’s not attached to her boob. It’s really stressful being around it for too long. I feel that she’s a little hard on her kids and I guess her roommate told her today she has a video of her throwing them around, to which I’ve actually witnessed myself. I was there yesterday and her youngest I guess pressed his toe on her back where she had her epidural and so she picked him up by his arm and threw him on the bed in front of her and he started crying. We went out to lunch yesterday and her oldest that’s a year and a half slapped her arm so she slapped him in the mouth and he started crying.

I think this girl has a lot of issues. I try to be sensitive to the fact that she is a single Mom and my child isn’t born yet so I don’t know what it’s like just yet but I see kids as fragile and definitely wouldn’t throw mine or slap her in the face, especially in public. Because she doesn’t have a real job I can’t understand why her house is absolutely filthy. Both of her kids sleep in bed with her and they don’t have their own beds. She has a car with car payments and has to pay rent and I find it hard for her to do considering she just babysits for a living.

I’m honestly not trying to be judge here but I’m not really sure what kind of opinion I have. I get that she’s on her own and everything but it’s just crazy to me how she handles situations. I do think she’s a very strong girl but I do worry about her patience level with her kids.

My anxiety started to get to me when she told me Friday night that if he’s not there to sign BC or the paternity affidavit, getting CS is going to be a bitch. I honestly don’t know if he will or not but I messaged him the other day and he didn’t answer but told my friend about it. I don’t know, I was kinda hoping that we could maybe talk before court and have a solid plan for what we were going to say to the judge.

He told my friend he’s coming and will be here for 2 days. He said he has nothing to go back there for but yet, he’s not staying here. She asked him if he plans to be a Dad and he said yes but when asked how, he said he’d ‘figure it out’ so I take that as he wants to be able to say he’s a Dad but not actually be one. I’m definitely still extremely frustrated and just don’t know how to feel anymore.

I’m seriously sick of wondering and worrying if he’s going to actually be a Dad and pay child support of he’s going to fucking leave me to do EVERYTHING on my own. As of now, he’s been nothing more than a sperm donor and I am pretty sure it’s going to stay that way. I don’t think he really knows what it is that he wants to do and will probably just plan to be in and out of my daughter’s life and I’m not going to allow that. I’ve talked to enough single Moms and have reached the conclusion that it would be better if he’s not around at all because you can’t miss what you never had.

As far as court goes, I’m still going to try and get it granted, even if it’s for a little while but if it doesn’t happen than it doesn’t. I don’t see why he cares enough to be here for it considering he’s probably not going to be around anyway because he has his own life in another state. He told my friend that if it’s lifted he’s going to stay and if not he’s going back.

I spoke to his Mom over Facebook last night and the bullshit about him dying due to the cancer in his leg is a fucking lie. She said whatever it is isn’t life threatening. He lied about that too. She’s supposed to come over either Wednesday or Thursday and I really hope that she does because I’d like to get to know her and see what if any involvement she plans to have with my child and just see what kind of person she is.

They had to schedule me another ultrasound on Tuesday because they didn’t get everything they needed at the last one. I’m sad because I don’t have anyone to go with me. I asked his Mom but she’ll be working and I don’t dare ask my own family. I’m really sick of all of this shit honestly.

My friend said that I worry too much and I know I do. I worry about daycare the most because I know finding care for an infant is like finding a needle in a fucking haystack and I can’t afford to not work for too long. I worry about everything and she said I need to just worry about buying baby stuff and getting my hospital bag together. I know she’s right but sometimes the hormones make me even more of a anxious person than I normally am. I worry about nobody caring or being there when I go into labor too.

Then yesterday I got the letter stating that we have to do something about the parking issue so I’m going to move one of mine to my co-workers house. I’m gonna have my new friend help me. I just need her to follow me out there and bring me back. I’m not thrilled about this at all because I don’t like the thought of not having them all right outside but I’m not ready to think about selling one yet either. It’s also annoying that I can’t just park it at my parents house because my Dad would try and find some way to keep it and I just can’t risk that happening.

There’s a lady on Facebook selling this amazing crib/toddler bed and I’m probably going to buy it from her. I’ve text my Mom and she said she’d haul it for me but didn’t mention gas money so she’ll probably wait until the day I’m trying to get it and then I’ll have to give her gas money. It’s just really bullshit how much I’ve helped them all and most of the time didn’t even get a thank you but when I need something from THEM than I get to shell out money. They can’t ever just be happy for how much I’ve done for them but merely take every chance they can to get money out of me. I have stuff at their house and my Dad has already mentioned wanting to be paid for storing it so I know I won’t get it back unless I pay him so I plan to never say anything about it again.

I really want to go take a hot bath because it’s cold and rainy out but your not supposed to while pregnant because it can raise your body temperature and create problems. Ugh, there’s so many limitations when you’re pregnant. I always knew there was but didn’t really know how deep it went until I got pregnant.

My list of baby gear is getting pretty much nailed. I don’t need much more and I’m grateful because I just want to focus on getting my credit card paid off and banking money for maternity leave. I only have about 12 weeks left until I stop working so I need to stay completely focused on this shit. I’m so glad that I have as much shit as I do and able to find really good deals on stuff. I remember when I first started buying stuff and how I was so scared everything was going to be super expensive but it’s really not and now I have almost everything I need.

I’m still waiting for my taxes to get here so I can get my cars registered. If it’s not here by Thursday, I’m just going to use my credit card and then put the money back on it when I get it. I’m about out of time. I’m so sorry I ever did the paper check because I’ve been waiting since February 27th. I will never again do a paper check and don’t recommend it to anyone. It just takes way too fucking long to get it back!! I’m also going to invest in a Fire Stick so I can turn off the cable and once I move my car, I’m going to take the insurance off of it. Just doing those 2 things will save $100 a month.

I just want to get everything I need for the baby bought, have a decent amount in the bank and then be able to just relax with my daughter on maternity leave and not worry about shit. All of this would be a lot easier if I knew her Dad was going to help but I know that’s not going to happen. I’m really fortunate that I won’t have to worry about rent or I’d be in a world of shit and that motherfucker wouldn’t care. Like he has no fucking clue what my list of problems are and how I get to deal with ALL of them on my own! He doesn’t have to worry about not working for several weeks and still have money to pay bills, he doesn’t have to worry about healing from birth and being up all night, he doesn’t have to worry about shit. This hasn’t even begun to affect him and yet, he’s the victim. Yeah, okay.

I’m definitely going to talk to his Mom about them watching the baby while I work in case I’m unable to find daycare for her until she’s bigger. Having infants is harder in the daycare world because they require so much more attention and care. I’m just terrified I’m not going to find someone to watch her and not be able to return to work. I get that I’ll have some dollars in the bank but it’s only going to last for so long and I’d like to return to work before I’m completely broke too.

Again if him I were able to talk to each other and actually have a rational conversation, I’d ask him what he plans to do to help me. I really don’t think he plans on doing shit but I guess it would be nice to at least have him be honest about it too. This situation isn’t fair and some days I struggle with mental battles but I keep in mind that I’m not the first single Mom nor will I be the last and if other people can do it than I should be able to as well. I’m angry that he’s left me to completely fend for myself and his daughter but I don’t expect anything less.

I’m glad that court is on Friday because I’ve never been so ready to get something over with in my whole life. I’m not as dead set about getting it granted because I just don’t care as much anymore but whether it does or not, it’s not going to matter. He makes it sound like he wants to be around and everything but I know if it does get dropped, he will go right back to his old ways of being abusive and mean. If it does get granted than he can use that as the excuse to stay away even though I think that’s what he wants to do anyway.

Anyways, I’m gonna watch my movie now.