Lamenting in meh...

Dear God:
Every time I earnestly pray, every time, I make it through a prayer without distraction or falling asleep, you seem to answer me with a crisis. Even if I don’t ask you for anything for myself, when I just thank you for your protective arms around my family, for doing what you said you would do. Even when I’m shaky but I say I trust you, you answer me with a crisis. I always feel like I live my life in a trial by fire sort of way. This time I didn’t even get comfortable that there hasn’t been a crisis. I didn’t even breathe a sigh of relief because no new crisis was upon me.

I almost always never breath a sigh a relief because when I do something else pops up. I don’t know what a sigh of relief would feel like should I do it. My life has been chaotic and full of angst and full of crap that I’m tired of wearing well. I pray that my kids find their way through their various struggles and then their struggles land right at my door step. Okay fine. If I’m supposed to guide them or even bail them out, can a sister get a better job? I’ve been praying about that for a while.

I’m worried about so much stuff and I brush it off like I’m not, but I’m hurting on the inside. I pray for divine revelation and I get more hardship. I understand that you have to go through something and learn from it and when it’s over all will be at best okay. But me? It seems as if I go through something, I follow the path laid out and things fail and explode at the end. If they don’t, then that means something was done to hurt me in the long run and then I’ll have to deal with that too.

I’ve been bullied, molested, knocked unconscious, unwanted, unloved, uncared for, accused of certain indiscretions, lied on, used, looked down on, thought of as less than, been pushed and pulled, taken advantage of, indecently proposed to, cheated on, stolen from, shamed about every thing my life has been and I wear it like a badge though I’ve though of suicide many times through all of this but never wanted that for my kids or myself. I wear it like a suit of armor and I move forward with a broken, no, shattered/tattered and torn heart and all I have ever asked for is reprieve from all of this. And yet every time I’m met with a new crisis to add to all the other stuff.

I don’t want to take myself out.
I don’t want to go out as a part of someone else’s story.
I don’t want to go out at all.

I just want to breathe and I want life to not be so freaking hard on me ALL the time. Because I know hard times are a part of life, but hard times ARE my life and I’m tired of this constant struggle.

So now I’m asking for something. Can this latest thing please be resolved so that there is no pressure or problems for them which in turn become my pressure and problems? If this isn’t the case then can the myriad of OTHER things be resolved so I can do something about this current problem? Please?

In the name of Jesus.
Amen.

Kindest regards,
Sister…