Some Perspective on Failure in Everyday Ramblings

Spring is moving through so fast.

It is such a relief to have periods of clearing interspersed with the longer periods of rain. We are all talking about it here. We are edging towards 9 inches of rain this month (about double our average) and the Columbia River remains at flood stage.

Today there is a big March for Climate Change at our state capital. Kes and her best friend are coming back from the beach early to go and I am very proud of them. Wish I could go.

There is so much going on in our world that is disturbing. I pray that the repeal and replace legislation of the Affordable Care Act fails in The House today but I am not holding out much hope. So many Americans were consciously misled by the right wing media believe that “Obamacare” and the Affordable Care Act are two different things.

Speaking of praying, most of you know that I am a Unitarian and we don’t believe in a Universal God. Some of us do, and many of us don’t. So praying is an interesting idea among us. But one thing we do agree on is that suffering among humans is universal and wishing said humans less of it appeals to us.

In church on Sunday they passed out blank notecards and we were encouraged to write a prayer request for ourselves or another person. (I wrote mine out for my student who had a heart attack recently and just lost her husband on Friday.) Then we put them in a basket and took another one and are to hold that prayer request in our hearts throughout the week.

The card I got blew me out of the water.

I think I can say this without breaking confidence.

The writer did something that the writer is being severely disciplined for and asks to have the strength to get through it with respect, dignity and to be a better person afterwards.

There is so much suffering there. And the causes of suffering. I have been wishing this person these things that have been requested and more and also for all who were harmed by this situation.

It made me realize in a deep way how special the task of ministry is and why people go to church.

In the meantime I have been struggling with feelings, dark feelings of being a failure. I feel like I failed as a financial planner because I could not make it work for me financially and still be ethical about how I made money. I feel like I failed as a poet because I never got that book published and the reading engagements I so desired.

And now I feel like I am failing as a yoga teacher because I am still not yet (but close) drawing enough students to cover my expenses. Though I did actually have a tiny net gain in the business in 2016.

I also feel like I am a failure in relationship land. Mr. Finch died almost 7 years ago and I have not connected deeply enough with anyone since then to even have someone to share a meal with now and then other than my family.

Yesterday I heard this very interesting podcast about how our brains work biologically and this idea of a scarcity trap.

Link here.

It made me think about how I perpetuate my own feelings of lack of connection with others by the choices I repeatedly make.

And the prayer exercise made me realize that I often use these feelings of failure not to do the small things I need to do to not be perceived of in a way I consider myself a failure. It is as if the dark thoughts provide cover for me to not to step up and get poems out the door or do marketing. I was a good financial planner and I am a responsible adult. I am a good poet, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be better and more adept at the whole political game of getting published. And I am in good company.

I looked up the story this week of a wonderful war reporter who is out there day in and day out getting the news and how she started out as a poet but realized there was no way to successfully be a poet living wise so she turned to reporting and now we have much to be grateful to her for.

And I know I am a good yoga teacher. My students say this to me all the time. But marketing and running a business is different.

One I need to get a move on and also ask for help. Nobody said any of this was going to be easy… I just want it to be. :)

Last updated March 23, 2017