February Sucks in Ponderings of the Universe

February has not been a good month. I’ve had so many things to write about but no energy to actually write. The following events deserve more detailed entries but but that’s probably not going to happen just yet.

In the wee hours of Friday the 10th, I answered the most awful phone call I have ever taken. It was my aunt Yvonne, my mom’s younger sister, calling in an incoherent, sobbing panic. “This can’t be real! This can’t be real! Is this Marilyn {my mom}? Marilyn? There’s something wrong with Jeff {her husband}! This can’t be real! Jeff’s dead!” In my half asleep, shocked stupor I rushed to wake my mom and gave her the phone. We rushed to her house. When we got there, the ME’s office vehicle was there as well as several of Jeff’s siblings. Yvonne had woken up in the middle of the night and gone to snuggle with her husband (they slept in separate rooms because she’s a light sleeper, he snores, differing sleeping schedules, etc) and he was non-responsive. She called 911 and the paramedics couldn’t revive him. It was completely unexpected, he was only 57.

The next few days were bizarre. My aunt is very child-like. Though they were having some issues, her husband was her world. To make matters more complicated, he owns several businesses, which his family is involved with. His family is what I would consider abnormal. They more or less coerced my aunt into planning his funeral only hours after she found him dead. Immediately they were inquiring about a will. The next day, making excuses to go into the house so they could look for a will. Jesus, let the woman mourn her husband. The funeral was a huge ordeal, mostly dictated by his siblings, who were quite unyielding in their wishes. My aunt was staying with us because she couldn’t bear to stay in her own house by herself and one night their daughter stayed as well. Being around people carrying so much grief, as well as your own, is remarkably emotionally exhausting.

The Wednesday following his death was the funeral. Cut to Friday. My mom calls me from the hospital-my grandmother’s heart rate was dramatically elevated and she was extra agitated and confused. She’s been admitted to the hospital for tests. She had a bladder infection, unsure why she was so tacycardic. Saturday and Sunday we spend most of the day at the hospital. My poor grandmother was so confused, agitated, and frightened. She simply could not comprehend what was going on. She has fairly marked dementia as is but being ill and in a hospital setting made things much worse. Then there was some concern that maybe the nursing home wouldn’t be able to take her back on Sunday for administrative reasons. Thankfully, the were able to, so I rode in the back of the ambulance back with here so she had a familiar face with her. I’m not sure it helped so much. She fell asleep as soon as we got her back in her bed at the nursing home. The following day she seemed to be doing better, but then she had a high fever and I think her heart rate was up again. My mom was going to stay the night at the nursing home with her but ended up not having to because she improved slightly. We’ve since put it on hospice care. She’s 95 and more hospital visits like that are really not fair to her.

On top of all that, I was going to work (aside from the day Jeff died and his funeral) and every day that I was there I had some sort of owner with an emotional crisis. Every single day for over a week I had a crying person to comfort, be it a family member or a client.

Then, I had 2 days of work followed by 3 days of continuing education at our state veterinary convention. For me as an introvert, on top of everything that had been going on, it was unbelievably exhausting. I can’t convey how drained I felt after those 3 days.

Then, Sunday, we went to visit my grandmother to celebrate her 95th birthday. Half of our party cancelled on us so it was just my mom and I with a giant cake. My grandma was so tired and agitated (unfortunately, it was close to nap time and she has been especially tired since being hospitalized) that she did not really enjoy herself, was confused, and didn’t want to eat anything. Great party!

Oh, and last week was my 3 year cancerversary, which brings its own set of anxieties.

I am really exhausted-mentally, physically, and emotionally. I’m sorry if any of this doesn’t make sense or comes across as whiny. I just needed to get it all down.