the antagonist in 2017

i’m nice to all of my regular customers - okay, almost all of them - because they are REGULAR and can deal with my occasional attitude. and this includes the 40 or maybe 50-something man with the bluetooth in his ear who comes in nearly every day and maybe flirts with me. he’s been my favorite regular for a few months now. he’s kinda funny because he’s more outspoken than most customers and i assumed he was just as flirty with all of my coworkers since they’re all women - except cole, of course. he owns some big airplane parts company in town and seems to have a lot of money. he regularly spends his time between here and florida. he’s not super attractive but his gaze is intense.

one morning he came in while i was alone and spent 30 minutes talking to me about the dolphins in his literal back yard (i love dolphins) and telling me i should add him on facebook (lol). i never did. it was strange and nice and it made my imagination go wild. hold on - just let me jump on a plane with my sugar daddy and go swim with the dolphins. and then monday morning he came in again while i was alone. he said a lot of things - including how sweet i was, that my eyes did things to him, and that if i were 10 years older he could chase me all over town. that i was the most beautiful woman in town (that’s 15,000 people!). that he would still consider me the most beautiful woman even if we were in st. louis and i were still 22.

okay - this sounds like a dirty old man is coming onto me in order to get into my pants but this is…weird. maybe my self-esteem is so low that i relish his compliments a little TOO much. i don’t know. i’m just drunk, and i like when he comes in. even my own boyfriend doesn’t say such sweet things to me. maybe he says this to every fast food worker who looks at him twice. and that’s fine, as long as i don’t find out about it.

i’ve been mostly depressed these past few days. even the presence of cole doesn’t really make me feel better. he hasn’t been the nicest this week, and he won’t touch me so he can stay at hayle’s for all i care. when he’s not here i can smoke and drink and not give a shit about what i look like. i’m supposed to be quitting the bad habits. i’m supposed to be finding a good job, getting accepted to grad schools, whatever. i don’t think i need to explain depression to any of you, so i won’t waste my time. everything is faster and louder than i am and i feel like i’m dying. so no, i don’t care about going back to school. i’m just trying to survive the best way i know how. i know it sounds like i’m spiraling. i’ll leave that open-ended.

about a week ago i texted eric for the first time in…years. we actually had a conversation. i was at the bar with a coworker and he actually invited me out with his group, but i went home with cole. my boyfriend. the boy who i fucking SWEAR says mean things on purpose so i’ll cry - and i don’t. the boy who will barely kiss me. the boy who forces me to save my tears for when i’m alone because i don’t want to look weak. i’m starting to doubt everything. and i know exactly what you’ll all say: break up with him. okay, sure. fuck off. i don’t need to explain myself in my own diary. i feel like i’m the antagonist in my own fucking story that’s ruining everything.