More stress. in Since OD is shutting down....

So last night I had yet another co-worker say something about me getting an abortion and I left super pissed off. I text my boss but she didn’t answer. I just don’t get how people think abortion is a topic for the work place but I plan on saying something about it to my GM when I go in today. This shit is getting really fucking old and apparently people just want to push my buttons.

Anyways, so he messaged my friend last night claiming yet again he’ll be back ‘soon’ but NEVER gives a specific time or date for this to occur. I don’t believe he has any intention on coming back at all but wants to plant that idea in my head for whatever reason. He said that he just wants the bullshit to end and for to start over. He still doesn’t get that it’s not that easy. He’s fucked up so much that I don’t even know how the fuck I’d forgive him or even consider being in a relationship with him.

I have another ultrasound on Tuesday because they didn’t get everything they needed the last time. I know that there isn’t going to be anyone to come along and that’s stressing me the fuck out. I am really tired of feeling like no one cares and being completely on my own with this. I know I didn’t get pregnant by myself but I’m the only taking care of everything and having no one to rely on.

Since I don’t have a family to care about me and I don’t want to go alone, I’ve messaged his Mom. She hasn’t answered as of yet but I would like at some support here. I don’t think I’m asking for too much!!! I’m just so tired of my excitement feeling limited because I have no one to be excited with me.

And no, I’m not going to ask my family because even if they say they will come, they still won’t and there’s always some excuse. It’s not important to them and that’s why they aren’t around. It’s not about them and that’s why they don’t fucking care. I refuse to waste my energy asking them because I’m just going to end up angry. I am just so fucking sick of begging and pleading for other people to be a part of this that I can’t keep trying.

He’s messaged my friend and is pretty confident that the RO will get lifted and that makes me furious. If it does get dropped, I’m going to lose my shit. I’m terrified that it will and then I have to worry about him showing up at my house at random and there’s going to be nothing I can do about it. I just think it’s bullshit how much crap this guy has put me through and knowing there’s a chance that I won’t be able to be protected from him.

I hesitated reaching out to his Mom because I worry that if I connect with her, he won’t see the need to come back because his family will pick up his slack. He’s said several times that he doesn’t want his kid growing up without him and what not but he’s also claimed he’s coming back for weeks now and that hasn’t happened either. I just wish he’d quit being a fucking liar and actually be consistent.

At this point, I just feel really conflicted about this whole situation. I kinda wish he’d come back so we could figure out what we are going to do. I don’t want my child growing up without a Father but I also worry about when he’ll start being mean again too. He’s also said a thousand times that this place isn’t his home and he refuses to live here. I know he’s just being nice now because of the RO and that’s why it scares that if it’s dropped, he’s gonna go right back into being a wack job.

I know that me wanting him to come back is loneliness induced. I’ve never felt so alone before and it devastates me that at the time I need emotional support the most, I am without. I sometimes wonder what I’ve done to deserve any of this shit. Maybe I’m just such a horrible person that it’s meant to be this way. I’m honestly emotionally exhausted and sometimes question how I’ve made it this far. Not just in my pregnancy but the past 11 years since I moved out of my parents house. No one has ever really been there for me and sometimes it really gets me down.

I’m gonna lay down for awhile. More later.